can i get sum feedback on my swagger remix

[lilblayze]

hook

now i kno u like my swagger, Yo//
and u kno u don't want to go, Yo//

u don't want to try and battle, Yo//
cuz ill blast u wen i come threw, Yo//

ur neva goin get it, cuz im too smooth//
ur neva goin get it, cuz u aint got da moves//

ur neva goin get it, and u aint goina soon//
ur neva goin get it, get it get it//


verse1
dey all get mad, when i walk in da door//
ill hit u so bad, leave u down on da floor//

dey aint retards, dey all seem to kno//
my punches are as hard, as my fuckin flo//

they all want to step, but dey best try sum more//
they just punk ass preps, so ima break dey nose//

yeah im for real, yeah im fo show//
u betta keep it trill, fo i crack ur dome//

u don't want to make me, grab my chrome//
cuz u wont see, da bullets go threw ur home//

hook

now i kno u like my swagger, Yo//
and u kno u don't want to go, Yo//

u don't want to try and battle, Yo//
cuz ill blast u wen i come threw, Yo//

ur neva goin get it, cuz im too smooth//
ur neva goin get it, cuz u aint got da moves//

ur neva goin get it, and u aint goina soon//
ur neva goin get it, get it get it//

verse 2

u all seem to see, dat i don't play//
u all kno me, i ain't dat way//

don't waste ur time, cuz i don't play dem games//
im always on da grind, out here gettin paid//

stop tryin to lie, cuz u hide behind fame//
we all kno u aint fly, cuz ur raps be lame//

ur a pussy wipped bitch, yeah uve been trained//
we're tired of ur shit, u aint insane//

u better not follow or u be dead, and lose ur brain//
ima fuckin hollow out ur head, like a wooden frame//

hook

now i kno u like my swagger, Yo//
and u kno u don't want to go, Yo//

u don't want to try and battle, Yo//
cuz ill blast u wen i come threw, Yo//

ur neva goin get it, cuz im too smooth//
ur neva goin get it, cuz u aint got da moves//

ur neva goin get it, and u aint goina soon//
ur neva goin get it, get it get it//




da hook is wat was in da actual song and since its a mix tape i just got to make da verse but i might change da hook cuz it aint dat good get at me on wat u think of it

[-TraMaTiK-]

with a LINK u can

[134282]

Your verses are short. Even with the hook, this song would be 60 seconds long. Maybe.

Your flow is steady, in most parts - but still a little choppy. The content is garbage. How many more rappers will talk about chrome and game and all that idiocy...? The hook was very plain and choppy. A hook can be a song's saving grace. If people like a hook, they'll listen to the whole song even if it's wack. A hook needs to be really catchy and make people move when they sing along to it.

You need to work on ...everything. Incorporate some multi-syllabic rhymes into your flow. This will give it a more solid feel to it when people are listening. So, despite the topic, it'll sound better. Work on the hook. Smooth, easy and catchy. The hook is where you can deploy single-syllable rhymes and get away with it. Work on length; this was really short. No sense in writing 60-second songs - no one wants to listen to something as short as that. Lastly, work on your content. A million people before you have written that exact song, only better. So go with something different. Good luck and keep at it.

[lilblayze]

thanks for da feed and im in a group da 2nd verse is my boi lil shank he does nothin but talk about guns and chrome i do two but since its more of a boxin song i made my verse more about fightin but ill take it back add sum complex shit to it and put it back up

[B-Bear]

How old are you?