First Drop...Leave some Feed

[S3V3NTH1RTY]

You see i'm not trying to be something im not or someone else,
And if it seems that i am its a personality split from myself,
Yeah, i may need some help, and its not that i'm afraid to ask,
Its the fact that too many motherfuckers trying to save my ass,
I ain't looking for no sympathy or an empathetic person,
You wanna feel sorry? Best step off before you're hurting,
I ain't talking just your feelings being left black blue and bruised,
To me your ass is cash, and you've been spent bitch you used,
I admit i was abused as a kid in most the forms you can think a,
Pops was a drinker so after he'd catch me like hook line and sinker,
Then one day I said fuck it like I stuck up my middle finger,
Showed him what it was like and noticed I had me a daddy with a glass jaw,
Started spitting with acid tounge and left the motherfuckers ass raw
Once I learned survival I needed to ask God for more knowledge,
I didn't hear an answer, found easy money and lost dreams of college,
I know this means nothing to most people, notice I ain't most people,
I been living a trifling life, the type to decide me from the feeble,
So this goes to all the fakes that talk the talk about guns and drugs,
Ya'll need to remove your heads from ya butts and dog grow some nuts,
Spit a writ true to you, something you'd actually do, put some wit in it,
If you spit fire play your part son and show me some fucking arson,
You giving me lip then i'm a bust it, go home start spitting and run with it,
I seen and done it all, been on the block while my mans heart stopped,
No bullshit I been in the malls to shop and had all c notes to drop,
I been robbed and stabbed, at times chilled with slobs, others crabs
Son I'm a ticking time bomb clicking on the clock with a glock,
I ain't frickin' kidding when i tell you its cocked at my dome waiting to pop,


http://www.illestlyrics.com/board/untit ... ml#p166803

http://www.illestlyrics.com/board/quick ... ml#p166808

[Kuhlerblynd]

Some good imagery. Your lines and flow start getting choppy towards the end. YOur metaphors are there, but very little to no wordplay, and nothing really jaw dropping. I like how you put in the time to kinda give us a description about yourself and where you are coming from. Keep bringing it to the table fam. One.

[BennyBones]

definitly feel this flow.. was more real and deep gave imagintaion for the readers... i would say just work on delivernce alot of people look for metephores or some kind of stand out line to say but very few show dialog, or compareable meaning to writing... so that when strangers cromes aross it they can picture it... check out my post in poets stage, off the head flo'etry... i came up with it myself way before that cats name... check it out just to give u an example..

[Moneymaker]

The flow nice so was the imagery. It doesnt look like theres any multis and wordplay if u have some of those youll be a very good artist

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[Glamtrash]

The otential is there for you. I enjoy the story itself, but this was boring for me to read. They're right. Brush u on the wordlay, and try again.

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[Defiance]

yo this shit was banging to this beat i'm bumping, hit with every line
but you cant have the beat, lol its mine

but yeah man good shit, reminds me of some smooth coasting shit

[Shawnmd]

You painted the picture right, and since it was your first post you can be cut slack on the wordplay. Also it seems your lines are too long to go with a beat, maybe its just me. either way keep at it.

[S3V3NTH1RTY]

everybody thanks for the feedback. all critique is good cause whether its criticism or enjoyment its just going to help me elevate. i appreciate all of it and im going to work on all aspects of my drops. much respect to all of you