only 8 bars....notitle but needs feed plz

[FatalX]

You know I wanted to say something before I started writing.......but FUCK IT!!!

I found myself amongst,...the underbelly of society//
where they labeled me a monster through the rues of notoriety//
so righteously-I fight the beast,that has holds my flesh captive//
cause even though my soul is free,my heart is chained and shackled//
you know the ode>the oath>the creed,it burns in vain and crackles//
America-"Land of the Free",blood soaks and stains its actions//
a hopeless place that awoke its fate,even foes embrace it's passion//
but noone takes the open blame,that holds its wieght in caskets//

ehh....heres 8 for ya...enough to get feed...I started losing interest and didnt want to get further from what I wanted to convey....

-- Mon Feb 14, 2011 10:29 pm --

I forgot to post the threads that I gave feed on here they are
A verse I couldnt think of to name anything cool or creative
++free verse++

-- Mon Feb 14, 2011 10:30 pm --

do you need the actual link?>

[Defiance]

you know the ode>the oath>the creed,it burns in vain and crackles//
America-"Land of the Free",blood soaks and stains its actions

that had a good vibe, way to short tho
looks like we got another multi guy..

good shit i look forward to more

[Alvin]

I found myself amongst,...the underbelly of society//
where they labeled me a monster through the rues of notoriety//
Hmm, your vocab see,s nice and extensive, its a good set up to the piece but honestly falls short as an opener.
so righteously-I fight the beast,that has holds my flesh captive//
cause even though my soul is free,my heart is chained and shackled//
Being chained and shackled is a played concept, dig deeper, and the wording in your first line doesnt make a whole lot of sense to me
you know the ode>the oath>the creed,it burns in vain and crackles//
America-"Land of the Free",blood soaks and stains its actions//
A couple more multis or better wording and this would have been pretty solid.
a hopeless place that awoke its fate,even foes embrace it's passion//
but noone takes the open blame,that holds its wieght in caskets//
Caskets and passion dont really rhyme in my head... tried multiple accents. Decent read over all but legnth is an issue. With small pieces drop fire, non stop punches or wordplay, and you'll get more readers. Watch click the link below and ill show you a short piece that was well done in my perspective. Im not bashing you dawg, just feeding, so dont get your clam all chowderd.

http://www.illestlyrics.com/board/lost- ... 20439.html

[Kause mc]

Wassup fatal yeah this is nice man its worth continuing on with imo. Keep posting. I like the multi's in the last couple of lines.
Id like to c more bro good stuff

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