Airplane

[Alvin]

[video]http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sfhzJkGU-qE[/video]
(Thanks for the PM QuartrZ)



Yeah-

What do I do when my backs to the wall?//
Act fast or do I stall? Back track and pause…//
I’d fill a stadium and Awe but the cash flows small//
I’m rash and all but know the sky’s too fa’r away//
I’m patient but the day’s pushed into the distance//
They say wait for the instant and seize//
But I can’t help but feel I reach like the trees//
In SEAson I’m hot but when its time I’m chopped//
Dropped onto blocks, I’m posted up like cinder blocks//
Turning to dust with each gust of wind//
Trying to stay tough but corroding-within//
Floating-in dreams charred to ashes face up//
Scars from practice filled my mental case cup//
To the rim but when it runs and I need to lighten up//
I grab my mic, close my eyes, rip it up//
I leap into a dream, A place of make believe, Cover up//
That I need to take a knee, Hide the way I weep//
Leave and never bleed, Sleep until I max out//
Peak till I crash out, Leap through my ash’d house//
I’m only deep when I’m assed-out, but never when it counts//
A secret indefinite amount resides in my chest//
That I can’t pronounce when it’s time to show the rest//


(if i suck, tell me why, so i can improve)

[Riggz]

You have mad potential. I liked your intro. You fell off a bit around the lighten up/rip it up/cover up and lost your bar count.. but you got bck to your normal rhyme scheme after that. Improve your vocab.. and add more rhyme structure in the beginning of your bars and it will move you to the next level.

Good read man.


Check out:
http://www.illestlyrics.com/board/nadda ... 19669.html
Tell me what you think...

[Alvin]

Appreciate the feedback Riggz... Ill take your advice and shoot at it again. What do you mean by "add more rhyme structure in the beginning of your bars"? Thanks man

[Riggz]

It would require you to lengthen your bar a tad.. playing on the rhyme scheme throughout the lines in your bar, for example (something off the top):
"posting mirthless plights at sub surface sites, purpose lies
between the gentile and circumcized, sir come size the merchendise...etc etc" (can't waste all my shit LOL)

As it looks now, you're heading that way throughout some of your bars. Just play on a few more words within your bars and you can blow minds.

[Alvin]

Preciate it Riggz

[blokB]

i realy like this bro. i could see the lyrics fitting the beat well but more importanty i felt emotion through your words. i like bro, i like.

[QwarterZ]

this piece was cool man...like the other guys implied you got potential it seems like u got a good flow on u till u hit a certain point and ur like...ahhh...can I make this fit? Either way this piece is cool it had a few points here ur words connected nicely and the emotion seemed to come into play...very well done sir...keep writing

[ Post made via Mobile Device ]

[IntrinsicCadence]

This is nice man, solid flow, good content, all around well done. This one's worth a couple reads. And it's convinced me to keep up with whatever u post in the future. Keep droppin...

[Alvin]

Blockb I appreciate it man. QuartrZ- good looking man, I have a strange way of flowing sometimes and when its written out it messes up the read flow but I'm trying to find a balance in both... thanks though for the motivation. IC thanks man, I'm trying bud, but I usually slop a few post trying other aproaches or styles, but don't get thrown off, I'm growing lol.

[ Post made via Mobile Device ]

[FlipSide]

Yea it flowed well. your rhyme structure is there and the multies as well but i feel u coulda went harder with the syllable count... Jus seems simple to me. With a wider vocab you can drop some killer shit... Nice read tho i cant sound it off to the beat it seems to flow well. This the first i peeped from you so i cant speak to much about it. Jus Give a Quick Opinion.