Orfadox Vs ER (Topical) (ER Wins K.O. 3-0)

[Orfadox]

due - 72 hours
16 lines
3-0 K.O
4-1 T.K.O


Topic - waking up from a 20 year coma and being slighly confused as to who you are for a little while as you get your bearings back

[ Post made via Mobile Device ]

[ER215]

Checkin in

[ Post made via Mobile Device ]

-- Tue Oct 12, 2010 5:33 pm --

Figured since I'm at work... Bored.. I'd key in now...


"20 years later" (Might as well title it... lol)

Dim lights around me tryna make it to a mirror, last thing that I remember it was mid or late December/
Bright lights in a blur but they faded wit their glimmer, and now I wake in this state my mindstate's in a shimmer/
Looks like I haven't shaved in months, and what's the fuck up with these tubes?/
Hard for me to expand my lungs, and why the fuck I can't find my shoes?/
I guess my name is ER cuz it's texted around my wrist band, but once I made it to the mirror I don't recognize this man/
I'm stumbling it's hard to for me to grip wit these hands, and a couple months of sleep isn't even what I had planned/
I'm gettin a lil back now I really start to wonder, slowly make it to the phone started thinkn of some numbers/
Who the hell can I call? Did someone try to take me under?, Did someone not want me to make it to Spring or the Summer?/
So I make it to the jack and the dial tone's different, look down to dial out and the numbers went missing/
Now I may feel a lil crazy and eyes a lil twitchin, but I know somethings wrong now and inside I'm bitchin/
Then an operators voice popped and she spoke the date and time, and the bullshit she said really blew me out my mind/
This had to be a joke how could I lose so much time?, 2031? I've done slept through all of my prime?/
I'm now looking thru the window and the cars really fly, I had to take a double look to check the truth within my eyes/
I missed my children grow and now the tears form in my eyes, Cuz as a father that's something that I really really prized/
The reflection off the window showed another face my visions never had, and in a mans emotional tone the same face spoke "Dad"/
I was scared to turn and look had I done something bad?, But I embraced the widely spread arms to the words "Welcome back"/

................ Real...............

[Orfadox]

Wake Up Surrounded By Tubes,Look Out The Window Clouds Dampen My Veiws
Sitting Patiently Waiting For Any News,Cos What The Fuck Happened I Aint Got A Clue
I Cant Recall A Single Thing,I Dont Know Who I Am Or What It Is That I Did
So I Just Stay Here For Abit,Someone Walks In Gives Me A Smile But Who Is This Kid
Informs Me I Was Racing At Silverstone When I Came Off,I Was 22 Wheres The Time Gone
That I Got 3 Kids I Assumed I Had None,Tells Me I Did Have A Wife But Now I Aint Got One
Ask What Happened To Her,"She Couldnt Handle Seeing You In This State So She Left"
So Iv Been Out Cold For 20 Years What A Mess,Start To Panic He Tells Me Not To Stress
Suddenly Here The Sounds Of Engines,Can Smell Oil Drifting Off Into This Lovely Dream
But Iv Been Here Before It Seems,Its Not A Dream,It Finally Hits Me That These Are Memories
Taking The Corner Too Fast,Hit The Apex Lose Control Dont See The Wall Until I Hear The Bang
Can Hear My Wife In The Ambulance Begging Me To Wake Up,"Please We Gonna Be Together Till Your An Old Man"
Then I Remember The Day She Left,"Im Sorry Orf I Cant Wait Any Longer Me And The Kids Are Going Up North"
I Can See There Smiles On A Sunny Day,But Where The Fuck Are They Now? Shit Im Really Not Sure
And Who The Fuck Was That Kid?The One Who Just Sat There To Help Me Remember And See
Then It Hits Me Like A 2 Ton Weight From Above The Kid Telling Me About My Life...It Was Me

-- Thu Oct 21, 2010 11:18 pm --

Bit Of A Shit Verse But I Just Key'd It Quick So ER Didnt Waste His Verse

[TheNobleOne]

i have to give the edge to ER on this one. i just enjoyed the story a little better. i liked how he incorporated what was going on in the future and how he was trying to remember shit, like dialing phone numbers and shit. the ending was pretty nice too, like how he worked up to that point. made for a good ending.

orf man i can tell you didnt take your time on this piece and thats what did you in. i know you can come up with better shit. the story wasnt that bad, i liked how you incorporated what happened to you, to get you there in that state. but i think it really fell off at the end a bit, you just didnt have the time to make the ending as good as you wanted.

good stories from both though, enjoyed the read.

my vote is to ER

[Dana Riot]

I liked ER's better, it was more atmospheric imo. Orfadox' was still good but you can tell it was quick, the flow would really nosedive at times and the storytelling looked more basic than what I've seen from him. I could imagine everything in ER's, especially the part about the phone numbers I could see myself doing the exact same thing if I'd just come out from a coma. Good battle guys.

Vote - ER

[ER215]

Thx for the votes guys... Orf we can rematch at anytime wit a topical... I know u were pressed for time...

Rap it up mods...

[ Post made via Mobile Device ]

[drunken jesus]

er wins - records updated