Paranormal Activity

[Orfadox]

You Feel His Prescence Surround,Making You Uneasy Like When Family Bring Presents Around
Feel The Cold Breath Dragging You Down,Icy Hands You Try To Scream But Dont Make A Sound
Every Sense Heightens,Looking Back Over Ya Shoulder So With Every Breath Ya Chest Tightens
You Click Ya Lighter,You Can Hear Him But Cant See Him,This Is Like A Battle With The Titans
You Feel Scared,Aware Hes Near But The Only Problem Is You Just Cant Seem To Find Out Where
Try To Run But You Cant Escape,Hes Watching You Try To Hide But He Knows That Your There
Feel Ya Breathing Quicken,Hes Near Ya Can Feel It,Hear Screams Coming From Outside The Door
Go To Investigate,The Whole Place Is Carnage,Blood Splatters The Walls Bodys Laying Over The Floor
Its Like A Massacre Only Theres No Chainsaw,And This God Forsaken Place Isnt Fucking Texas
Suddenly Feeling Confused It Shouldnt Be You,Should Never Of Even Exited The Fucking Lexus
Trapped In A Nightmare Of Epic Proporstions,Something Very Strange Seems To Be Going On Today
Aware Somewhere In Ya Brains You Might Not Of Lived The Best Life But You Shouldnt Die This Way
Confined Alone In This Room,You Keep Hearing The Others Trying To Run But You Choose Not To Look
Panic Spreads,You Can Hear His Voice Again But Still Cant See Him,This Man Has Got You Shook
Close Your Eyes Hear The Voilence Occuring Around You,Theres Blood On The Walls But How Did It Get There
Check Yourself Over Nope Not There,Hes Here Somewhere,Now You Really Starting To Get Scared
Lights Go Out So Ya Heartbeats Like A Bass Drum In Ya Chest As You Reach The Door And Turn Left
Reach The Stairs See The Blood Before The Bodys,Theres Too Many To Count What A Damn Mess
All Through The Corridors Bodys Left Discarded Like Dropped Litter,Then The Voices Start Again
Speaking To You Directly "Hello Son Did You Enjoy The Pain?Shall I Put You Out Your Misery And Tell You My Name?"
"Tell Me Now But I Want The Truth Not Lies" "My Name Is Lucifer Son" He Finally Replies
He Must See The Horror In My Eyes,"Shall I Let You Into Another Secret" His Voice Crys
"Is This Blood,The Gore,The Bodys You Have Witnessed Here Now Right Upon This Very Level
This Wasn't My Making My Friend,Look Inside Your Mind Far Back You Will Find You My Friend Are The Devil"!

[DoggyStylez]

bro its a mad story but i found tha flow a bit hard to follow in some spots. Maybe i ain't readin it right lol.....i guess with no full stops or commas could be why it was hard 4 me. Still liked it tho, u picked a topic i like, neva thought about rymin on it tho.....

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[Orfadox]

Cheers Man Yeah I Guess I Should Re Go Over It Add Some Commas And Shit

-- Thu Sep 23, 2010 9:23 pm --

15 Views And Only One Person Leaves Any Feed?!

[TheNobleOne]

yeah i have to agree with doggy in certain parts it was hard to follow the flow but this was a nice drop fam. good story and you had some nice lyrics. keep doin ya thing yo.

[Orfadox]

Thanks for that man yeah i can see the flows off in parts but thats just the way i write

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[The Gonz]

I'll start with the good before the bad lol. The story itself was good, I liked the ending. Had some good imagery, could have been more descriptive but I could still visualize what was going on for the most part. Your imagination and creativity are definitely not the flaws in your writing.

Now the bad. The flow is all over the place. The bars are way too stretched. I tried even spitting it where one line was one bar and it still didn't make a difference. Definitely need to work on that. Also, the rhyme schemes were really basic. Rhymed a lot of one syllable words like left, mess, chest, etc. Branch out from that and take it a step further by adding a word or two in front of those anchor rhymes like started left, darkened mess, heart and chest, etc. It helps with the flow and the actual rhythm of the lines, makes it more of a cadence rather than talking. Also, try not to use the same words and ideas over and over. It seemed like you were saying near or close way too often or describing things as being near or close. You don't want to sound repetitive. That's all I can think of at the moment. Work on those things and you'd be surprised how quick you see progress in your work.

[Orfadox]

Thanks man finally some constructive criticism

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