Off the head flo'erty

[BennyBones]

um-mm...

How can i start this "off the head flo'etry?"...like poetry but clean,.. i should make it mean, suspenseful and bloody.... but naa, that's not good poetry.. damn.. maybe i should just keep it simple and make every verse rhyme and continue with syllables,.. writing both vivid and liberal, scientific and spiritual.. "I'm thinking..non since'' i write as if i o-d'd on acid and survived the sweat leaving readers in-shock like yeah?,.. an addict did this... naa.. naa... that's not it either.. one second as i search for my lighter.. FLICK!!! Gathering.. aight... never was i rich but nor did i struggle, grew up with hoes, hustlers, pimps, lac's and Chevy bubbles... and everybody lies, but im'a keep it 50,.. doubled... they say fuck the world homie, you gotta get it how u live...but yo I'm gonna put it to ya like this!!! try to run in my crib...!@#$% just heard last week that i got a shot for a deal... radio air time... on the real, no lying, i shot the offer down.. cause the money wasn't satisfying, and i walk off and haven't looked back... headed to the store and grabbed some blunts and a 30 pack... twisted my herb and pulled a cap back...crack!!!.. meditation is the key of chi, the key to what?... to everything if u ask me, mentally picturing my inner pros prosparities repetitively, guaranteeing my chances to an honorable fate... so whats next, seriously shrimp lobster and stakes... or can i just be me myself, living my life differently, without the money and the cars and the clothes, without the fame the love and the hoes... shit don't really got all that shit now as it is... and still, I'm still livin... livin... livin the life..., livin...

Bones-



off the top tell me what ya think... just went back to edit it, open
criticism is coo too, but explain at least... yall b.e.z

[FlipSide]

Aiight i read it and understood it...and its good u called it flowetry cuz its different... i would call it more of a short story... it was descent tho.. i could have used structure and more word play...but thats cool as well..something different...cant knock that

[BennyBones]

fa sho yo ima drop more later... good look on the post

[Eminent]

It was pretty good. I liked some of the rhymes but like mainstream music it lacked depth and creativity. I'd like to see something not off the top from ya pretty good for what it is the tools or there but I imagine you could do better.

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[BennyBones]

thats whats up good feed back... im gonna keep poasting new verses i like to feed back nah mean...

plus it gives me somthin to do...

i kinda like the idea of of "Off the head? Flo'ety" so i gonna keep it goin any one can post an verse 16-32 max... off the dome^


~uppin~

[Borat]

I do something like this... I like that you do it aswell... good shit mate.

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[BennyBones]

thats whats up bro... yall can add on to the flo' at any time.. im likin the feed back


`uppin`

[BennyBones]

palms itchin, eyes twitchin, im ready and willin, (r.a.w...)
Benny Bones in da buildin, to explicit for children, i stay in da kitchen, and it aint food that im cookin up, im bakin soda whippin, and ima whip whip whip it up, sorry ma im not the son that i was sawt out to be, but my heart beat is so cold that when i blow its it reads three degrees"*c", addicted to da hustle im just hopein no one tries to murder me, because my pockets gettin low and i know you in need of so many surgeries, i told myself that i was gonna give it up after the last couple g's, but them feans keep me up and like hall i run it back, shit... my bundles lookin like haystacks and im da needle lost in it, raw finish, when its all said and done im authenic, all ventage, with bars just as crooked as the jokers image, i know its been a while but welcome me back like mace if not fuck you then, sorry im takin ya place, i could pled the fith but this here is a diffrent case, rents gettin high and im lookin for a diffrent place, and the top where im headin next door to the jeffersons place, all im seein is fire works and drake aint in it, bitch!... its not over till im winnin, and once i win, its still only the beginin, and since faith got my back you will always gonna see me grinnin... because, im on!!!

Bones-

-- Tue Apr 05, 2011 10:30 pm --

feed back when u can

[Glamtrash]

Normally I'm not a huge fan of this style of writing. And although you do make it work, I would suggest you work on your vocabulary, use of matahors, and structure. It reads like a Shakesearian monologue - which I like. It's just too.... simle. Excited to read more.

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-- 06 Apr 2011 00:49 --

I'm really not a huge fan of the second one. Reads terribly and seems to just run on. Try again lol

[BennyBones]

Staring off in space visualizing how much the world as changed as if we evolved into parasites and the earth is decaying away for barren to stay forever more we may and faith in the lord is the devils plutonic plague at the stars I gaze beyond the suns radiant waves wondering if there’s someone else like us that lives eat and think like us I’m so confused with reality and all the technicality and advanced technology I’m only trying to in vision light through the darkness but my brain projects an horizon if there’s anything extinct its the extinction towards surviving all I’m seeing here is violence through these eye lids I think its funny how u can die from trying to live my mind still wonders through loop holes destination who knows my flesh is just the Pandora’s box that’s forbidden to move close I may feel so alive now but yet I’m a ghost a lost spirit in space trapped in the same loop holes everything is a fucking lie fuck all the stories been told its his-story wait until my unfolds... "siren yells" eyes open,... look around and takes a deep breath, and grins.


Bones-

[MonuMental]

Pretty cool concept and meaning. Some nice vocab and imagery. I liked it. Just do you and it can never be wrong. Nice drop.

[BennyBones]

most def...

[Grim]

as far as poetry i don't really see it..poetry is very structured and rigid on the cadence and this doesn't really follow a poetry guidline...i agree the short story comment fits better...more emotion and deep thought should go into poetry and imagery is important too...make them feel what you're saying....not bad attempt though so keep at it but look at some of illaborate's stuff and you'll see what I mean...respect though

[BennyBones]

yea if u read my first drop u would understand the meaning, flo'etry, not poetry lol but thanks

[pest]

Struture ya shit differently....
Itd be easier to read...

other then that its iight.