freestyle

[deafshady]

life flashes before you and then its taken away
and then there so much that u never got to say
but its okay you just gotta hold on to faith
never look up and say gods name in vein
just say grace and know that your loved one is safe
buried away floating up into a better place
it's like a race you just gotta learn how to pace
and save face because you dont wanna be the disgrace
a bitter taste like your mind is starting to decay
accept the case know that the persons there to stay
from my heart up to my spine all the way to my mind
i need a sanctuary where my thoughts can unwind
a wound like this can only be binded by time
but i see something gods giving me a sign
he says stand tall be tough stop all the cryin
i look through you and i can see your inner lining
i can see that your heart is about to break
but why god why for heavens sake
why did you take that person away couldnt you wait
now it's too late but he has a bigger plan
all my views and beliefs this is where i stand
im so down im strayin from the topic at hand

[Lawgix]

see this was a lil bit better... not alot of multies a few here n there... topic was cool... if u wanna start bettering yourself tho hit up the bottom of the page Center Of Elevation... it will help you... alot of old heads on here put that up so youngins like you could elevate... keep it up n don't do anymore "rhymin with tupac" again...

[FlipSide]

and save face because you dont wanna be the disgrace
a bitter taste like your mind is starting to decay

two rhymes in a bar with a metaphor makes it seem a lot better than

life flashes before you and then its taken away
and then there so much that u never got to say
but its okay you just gotta hold on to faith
never look up and say gods name in vein
just say grace and know that your loved one is safe
buried away floating up into a better place

one rhyme per bar and no metas ...its kind of a story mode which wont grab much attention... i have this problem my self as i dont write much anymore...maybe ill write something to see if i can do this... but yea put multies and metas in it and ull be aiight...cool topic too...

[The Gonz]

A good foundation. Rhyme schemes are still basic but the message and imagery is pretty good. The flow actually should be embarrassing for some of us who can hear and still not get it right. I don't know if you count syllables or what, but keep that up. Overall, I think it could some polishing in the form of multies and deeper metaphors, but its leagues ahead of that fake Pac joint you posted.

[ Post made via Mobile Device ]