Failure ..

Brah-Vo · Post by **Brah-Vo** » Fri Dec 12, 2008 11:34 am

When he raps, aint nobody understand him B
Nobody enjoy his show so they come and stand for free
Aint nobody give him the chance to be
a rapper
sayin he crapper then this and that
rock his starter cap to the left
if only people would give him a glance to see
tryna get his lyrics out so he masks his beats
Been so discouraged
even his Moms had a crash last week
Thinkin of producin so he be sleuthin
for songs
where he mash the beat
give him advice like twice but he always lash at me
aint released a track for the past few weeks
put a new song the label said that the last was weak
givin up now, so hard was the task he weeped
aint gonna survive might as well blast his teeth
Hes falling now too fast too steep
feelin hes in a trance a maybe chance to leap
Wishin he had a fan so his old man could see

he aint a..

F forgot what his name is
A apparently fading
I cant take it no more
L Like i lost myself before
U cant underestimate me
R Righteous God can See
E Everyone gonna take a chance with me
So everyone come and bounce with me
COz all you doin is rollin with a Failure

TreTru · Post by **TreTru** » Fri Dec 12, 2008 1:59 pm

Did you actually record this?

If your lookin for feed on this I'd have to say it's pretty whack.
unless it's a poem..cause you missed a bunch of rhymes..
I like the hook concept though...so don't give up..but you need
to work on the creative expression.

Glamtrash · Post by **Glamtrash** » Fri Dec 12, 2008 2:36 pm

Good concept, not very well thought out. You're just rhyming for the sake of rhyming. The end bit is probably my fave. But not only do you go from rhyming to not rhyming, As you're spelling it out, the U just becomes part of a sentence, making it look weird against the others, or maybe that's just me lol.

You just haven't found your comfort zone yet. But you will, you're young. I would suggest that if nothing else, you at least work on your vocabulary. it'll take you furthest in the long run.

Keep writing kid, the potential's there.

|.R.SON.aLL.| · Post by **|.R.SON.aLL.|** » Fri Dec 12, 2008 4:04 pm

This Shit Flew Over Niggas Head IMO ..
i Thought This Shit Was Pretty Fuckin` ill ..
it Juss Depends On How U Follow Tha Flow ..
Cus i Know ya Style, & i Know U Be Listenin to Lupe ..
So i Know How to Follow ya Flow ..
But Man That Shit Was ill to Me ..
Mad Props Cus i Felt it ..

Jesodist · Post by **Jesodist** » Fri Dec 12, 2008 6:03 pm

Whether you Recorded it or not its not that bad just work on your delivery and rhyme scheme's flow. keep practicing.

complexity · Post by **complexity** » Fri Dec 12, 2008 11:46 pm

..Raiza Sharpe` wrote:When he raps, aint nobody understand him B
Nobody enjoy his show so they come and stand for free
Aint nobody give him the chance to be
a rapper
sayin he crapper then this and that
rock his starter cap to the left
if only people would give him a glance to see
tryna get his lyrics out so he masks his beats
Been so discouraged
even his Moms had a crash last week
Thinkin of producin so he be sleuthin
for songs
where he mash the beat
give him advice like twice but he always lash at me
aint released a track for the past few weeks
put a new song the label said that the last was weak
givin up now, so hard was the task he weeped
aint gonna survive might as well blast his teeth
Hes falling now too fast too steep
feelin hes in a trance a maybe chance to leap
Wishin he had a fan so his old man could see

he aint a..

F forgot what his name is
A apparently fading
I cant take it no more
L Like i lost myself before
U cant underestimate me
R Righteous God can See
E Everyone gonna take a chance with me
So everyone come and bounce with me
COz all you doin is rollin with a Failure

I agree with Rell you brought (and bring) that very descriptive style like Lupe. Some might call it "rhyming for the sake of rhyming". The method is a lot more complex than that. You're attempting to paint a picture with a wider stroke. If I'm going to tell a story should I take away the scrupulous details, i.e., i weighed myself today, my feet were freezing on the scale, I weigh 150 pounds. One reader might think the interesting part is the 150 pounds while I might be laughing at the fact that your feet were freezing on the scale. That's the point of view, I come from when I determine if I liked him randomly throwing in the fact that his mom got in a crash last week.

The Lupe reference is also true with a few inner multi's here and there.

"even his Moms had a crash last week
Thinkin of producin so he be sleuthin
for songs
where he mash the beat"

I thought the self evaluation was cool. The flow was smooth and simple. I didn't think the creativity was remarkable. The criticism was pretty weak.

I'm not saying that this couldn't have been a 15 minute drop that had little effort put into it. When you're working on perfecting your style, at only 14, he has a long time to do that, there will be hundreds of drops like that.

|.R.SON.aLL.| · Post by **|.R.SON.aLL.|** » Sat Dec 13, 2008 3:25 am

^ ..i`m Glad U Felt What i Was Sayin ..
i Mos Deffo Agree Wit Yo Post Tho

Brah-Vo · Post by **Brah-Vo** » Sat Dec 13, 2008 12:41 pm

Thanks alot for the feed, dudes!
I'll definitely be returning the favor.

eMCee Havic · Post by **eMCee Havic** » Sat Dec 13, 2008 1:24 pm

yeah i thought that was ill.

it was a good patrayal of depression in the rap game.
very well thought.. reminds me of the old school nas songs.

peace

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