She

[Prit-E]

ooo now this is my type of lettin off steam...somethin i wrote awhile back..its actually an excerpt from my diary..lolz...i re introduce myself everytime i write in it...weird?..yes!


Introduction of my soul remains unknown
i shall never name what made a home in the shell named "P"
For all i know both heaven and hell made me

Im empty yet fulfilled with open space
consisting of nerve gas and oxygen by the case
making me numb when im trapped and high when i got a smile on my face

Its the lack of energy that dims and flickers the flame
a biodegradeable mind frame but the earth's short on workers in that part of the game
give me an inch, so i can go for a mile
gimme some feet, i'll make you walk for awhile
Cuz with the gas prices on the rise im stuck in this place near limbo
in a crazy tricked out limo with my tumb out the window

as the wind blows with the tank on E
wheels unmoving but GPS tells me to turn right as i sit wrongful-ly
Flipping a U to fix this flat, so let my metaphore take a piece of that
cuz my cash is spent, my ash is all thats left
Burnt by constant theory and rhetoric
experimenting on a new era heretic
but all i have is my philosophy
so i hope Plato ain't pissed at me
cuz i argue my being by asking my gods "WHO AM I?"
Smoking a blunt with Aristotle telling me "its all a lie"
How can i shape up when im already a square, running in circles am i already there?

Loved by all, dispised by many a hater
monetary donations, please give me the paper
one more year and im refreshing the course
till vocal cords have all gone hoarse
till my song needs the pull of a carriage and horse
go back to start, do not collect $200
tip the thimble lets release what bothers
NOw i sleep to dream of pre-written tomorrows.

[Glamtrash]

This is an alright piece. You need to work on your consistency though, because I was interested for about the same amount of time that I wasn't. It's just the way in which you word a few things, that make them just not work. You're also a "rapping poet" (Think Poet from OZ) but there's nothing wrong with that. Just make it work for you. Good job and keep droppin.

[Def-init]

^^ I would agree with the above comment.
I was interested in about half of it.
To me it seemed you tried to rap(rhyme) a poem.
There is to much rhyme in this and not enough metaphor.

The key to poems is a lot and I mean a lot of methapor and less rhyme.
It wasnt to bad thou. Keep workin at it Prit.

I would say 5/10