United I Stand Divided I Fall

Dead Silence · Post by **Dead Silence** » Fri Jul 25, 2008 5:51 pm

I can face every Tsunami Tide and still Strong//
Making My Feelings Hide,But i will do wrong//
No matter How hard i try performin the Right//
I Always Seem to take a Left To a Stormy Night//
Clouds Hover Over me Waiting for their Chance//
i wont run,im just contemplating on whether i should dance//
The Lord Banged His drumms for 16 years now//
He made me a Fixed Teen asking how//
How Do i out dance These dark Days//
Tango In this Stance to spark these Pays//
Gettin this money because Money is Power//
Power is respect than itll be Sunny for an Hour//
Than you break,Your mind goes blank, Up Into Flames//
But this life imma take And take the Blames//
What ever happen Between Mom and Dad is All Me//
Im the one who dropped the Atomic Bomb,it Had to be//
No One else will swallow Their own Pride//
Im the one that wanted them to have died//
My mind Eats at me,from the inside out//
I speak to see only to provide doubt//
From Now on its United I stand Divided I fall//
I got a little Excited and Decided to Crawl//

To Be Continued....

- Mutual - · Post by **- Mutual -** » Fri Jul 25, 2008 7:41 pm

well this was pretty good
i think it seems more like a poem to me
flow sometimes choppy
dope stuff though
nice concept
keep'em comin

Dead Silence · Post by **Dead Silence** » Sat Jul 26, 2008 6:24 am

thanks

Subsist · Post by **Subsist** » Sat Jul 26, 2008 8:11 am

LOL mutual is full of shit.

ur flow and rhyming is better. but thats because the piece doesnt make any sence. now the skill is to flow and make sense. Once you get hold of that. then you can try rhyming with more syllables. if u dont understand then message me ill explain.

((p.s. ok it maybe makes a little sense.

but for example the first line ,

"....and still strong."

its not gramatically right. I know that if you add a word the flow might break.

somethin like that. work at it."

Dead Silence · Post by **Dead Silence** » Sat Jul 26, 2008 2:20 pm

shit that was a mistake let me fix it
suppose to be "Im still strong"

but thanks for the feed and advice.
flow is hard to get ahold of 4 me

Arvincible · Post by **Arvincible** » Sat Jul 26, 2008 3:34 pm

yeah dude the concept is lost, no main direction, very poetic lol

i quote subsist on that

ur multis dont connect and u need a main topic dawg, i know ur just writing but it has to get somewhere and from there on u can connect ur creative lines
but yeah u missed first step of the script and just kept pushing...

try to direct it somewhere..

ur getting better dude trust me

United I Stand Divided I Fall

United I Stand Divided I Fall

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