All In His Head

[-TraMaTiK-]

http://www.illestlyrics.com/board/the-m ... t6211.html

theres my link..this here is a another attempt and a story song..i expiermented with it in the past with depth and it got a positive respond it seems..so heres another lil story i made up but its just me no apperances..leave some feed & enjoy..

the rain beats down on the car,as he puts out his ciggarette
yawns,looks in the back seat and see's his kid is wet
presses the button on his door and the window goes up
from the back seat you here, 'hey dad you know what?'
'what billy?' these words hit strong and flood his brain
'lightning makes water glissen,i love the rain'
'thats nice billy,but now u need to sit back'
'daddy,i dropped my toy can u please get that?'
'DAMN IT BILLY,dont u see im drivin a damn car?'
Billy frowns and glances up at the moon-n-stars
thru all the rain,u hear leaves rustlin in the wind
on the streets u see dealers,billy thinks hustlin is a sin
meanwhile billy asks 'dad where are we headed?'
'do u ever listen 2 me billy,damn I already said it!'
'god damn dad all i ever tried to do was ask!'
'and besides,i hear mom say it,she does that'
'dont u dare bring ur mom into this,just STOP IT'
billy leans on the window and puts his hands in his pocket
a few seconds later billy see's a truck on the road
its on the wrong side,the dad screams 'WTF,GO!!'
as the dad is screamin billys stomach gets tight inside
his mind racin as he tries not to fight or cry
from the loud profanity,he's takin it light but why?
cuz billys dead already & says 'isnt it a nice night to die?'
the dad looks back with major confusion while cursin
Billy disappears,his soul was abused as a person
not knownin the truck is still comin the dad shouts
'please NO SIR MOVE,FUCK I GOTTA GET OUT!'
the doors lock and suddenly billy starts laughin
he says 'this is what u get since u killed me in the past-n'
'ur imaging me dad,cuz u killed me and mom years ago'
the car swerves off the road and the dads tears flow
what cause this ur askin?a brutal double homicide
billy says at the last moment 'u killed us,enjoy the ride'

if u dont understand ill explain the meaning behind the story..its fictional tho lol..leave some feed plz n thanks..PEaCe

[Momeijah]

Pretty Good, The Multis Fell in Well With This Piece. i Liked The Twist at The End Aswell, ur Gettin Good With The Short Stories So Keep Workin On Them. The Flow Was Kinda Off in Places And That Happens a Lot if ur inexperienced With Story Raps, it Happens To Me, Because Sometimes u Can't Fit What u Wnna Say in The Flow Haha. Overall it Was Good Though Keep it Up.

[-TraMaTiK-]

thanks 4 the feed tre..uppin

[RH1NO]

yeah i liked it goos story nice twist

flowed nicely almost all the way til

last couple lines got a little choppy

overall dope piece

[Dead Silence]

i really like this piece...i enjoyed reading it....at the end where we find out that he killed his son and wife u should of like not made it so obvious like hide it but still have the reader no wat happened.but otha than that i like it alot good job man.

[complexity]

Level of difficultly is a little higher with this type of story.

I liked the conversations being worked in with it. Pretty cool.

The concept was straight. A good twist at the end.

I wasn't intrigued throughout the whole piece. That's the only problem I see with it.

[|.R.SON.aLL.|]

aiight This Piece Coulda Been Better ..
Tha Endin` Was Kinda Koo` ..
Tha Storyline Was Kinda Choppy at Points ..

i Think if U Used ya imagination & More Creativity ..
This Woulda Been a Bomb ass Verse ..
Coulda Used Better imagery ..
Maybe Even a Metaphor ..
Or Sumptin` ..
Would Have Made This a Classic Piece ..
i Think Once U Get Better ..
U Could Re-do This Verse & Make it Come Out Real Nice ..

[-TraMaTiK-]

thankz rell,apperciate it

[Gutta]

that was pretty solid man...i liked the story... keep up the flow... and ya i agree with rell i liked the endin

[- Mutual -]

it was fire man got stronger as u reached the end
the flow was dope
i liked the multies
the imagery and emotion were good
the story was great
the twist ending was dope
this was a great piece and i will one day be in the illest classics