Somethin I'm Workin On

[Lawgix]

saved-by-a-soldier-vt4403.html?sid=df66 ... c5e67e78ad

come on down come one come all
their comin around the country comin to see you fall

their runnin people shunnin you out of their life
they see your bitch made all i see are future ex wives

thats right take one of ur guns n end it tonight
the feelin is right and i'm feelin like i might

come over to ur state on a midnight flight
cause the sight of me will leave u runnin cryin in fright

the bell tolls to mark the death
of a punk who left a bad image of himself so rest

in peices i'm takin ur words n makin u eat them
like reeces peices u will not be breathin

cause i'll stuff em in ur mouth like u packed my head with lies
ur the only guy who never tried to get a fuckin alliby

to back up anything u rattled off ur rappins soft
i'll smash it all like u do jackin off i'll fracture ur jaw

smackin u all u ain't shit so keep backin on off
i'll place you bitches in the ground attic n loft

i'm addict for static my mouths a gun thats firin off
pissin u off ur mis-aimin at me so now ur ticked off

am i right or wrong u couldn't hit the broad side of a barn
but it really depends on which side of the gun smoke ur on

cause i'll be on the side of ur termination
no hesitation from me ur annaihalation's just dedication

see what ur facin ur own different creation
from what i've heard so far ur just so basic

i'll leave u wasted n give u a face lift
so don't face this i'll fuck up ur appearence after my fists hit u

[drunken jesus]

come on down come one come all
their comin around the country comin to see you fall

^flow is nonexistant, structure throws it off, the way its worded sounds like something a carny announcer would say

their runnin people shunnin you out of their life
they see your bitch made all i see are future ex wives

^flow is better but drops off in the second line, future ex wives part doesn't make sense with the rest of it

thats right take one of ur guns n end it tonight
the feelin is right and i'm feelin like i might

^ wording is bad, and the repeating of feeling made it worse

come over to ur state on a midnight flight
cause the sight of me will leave u runnin cryin in fright

^structure is bad, this bar was alright it was real basic though

the bell tolls to mark the death
of a punk who left a bad image of himself so rest

^structure is bad, image of himself so rest is choppy, needs re-worded

in peices i'm takin ur words n makin u eat them
like reeces peices u will not be breathin

^ repeating the same word in a bar isn't real creative unless its a pun

cause i'll stuff em in ur mouth like u packed my head with lies
ur the only guy who never tried to get a fuckin alliby

^ decent, the like isn't neccessary in the first line

to back up anything u rattled off ur rappins soft
i'll smash it all like u do jackin off i'll fracture ur jaw

^ basic, fracture ur jaw doesn't match syllables with the rest, the like you do jacking off similie was weak

smackin u all u ain't shit so keep backin on off
i'll place you bitches in the ground attic n loft

^backing on off doesn't sound right, other than that its decent

i'm addict for static my mouths a gun thats firin off
pissin u off ur mis-aimin at me so now ur ticked off

^ rhyming the same word doesn't show much creativity, 2nd bar needs re-worded

am i right or wrong u couldn't hit the broad side of a barn
but it really depends on which side of the gun smoke ur on

^ second line was cool, first line doesn't transition well

cause i'll be on the side of ur termination
no hesitation from me ur annaihalation's just dedication

^ choppy, it was decent though

see what ur facin ur own different creation
from what i've heard so far ur just so basic

^2nd line has no relevance to the first and don't transition well

i'll leave u wasted n give u a face lift
so don't face this i'll fuck up ur appearence after my fists hit u

^don't rhyme, choppy structure and flow

i didn't break it down to pick on you or anything, i just wanted to give a detailed description of what you're doing wrong

your main problem is you write really basic, your structure and flow are sporadic because you don't write bars in the same length, they're all over the place, you're wordplay(similies metaphors etc.) is real basic too, just straightforward comparisons, your wording is on and off sometimes its good and other times it just looks ass backwards, you're rhyme scheme is weak, you don't rhyme more than a syllable or two usually and even then you don't stay on the same rhyme for more than 2 bars

you have potential you just need to be more creative and learn the more technical aspects of writing to expand beyond the basic level

[Lawgix]

lol thanx for the feed... u went into alot of detail