My Town

[Caleb Terry]

I'm living in Maine...where shi* can make anyone go insane/
I receive 'dirty looks'... which makes me wanna throw hooks/

I'm like a 'alien' to some whites...leavin em 'spooked' like dark nights/
I've tried being 'nice'...sometimes feelin within a 'vice/

I'm here in a ghost town...where there's limited sound/
I witness 'duck tape' on bumpers... an shot guns from hunters/

I'm 'trapped' in a town...most don't want me around/
SO what do i do?...I write rhymes in books/

So deep within i wonder why...Some of these pricks want me to die/
So my town is a ghost town...And i don't know why im still around/

[Defiance]

nice lil string.. not a whole lot to it..but a good lil quick read

welcome to illest man

[KING RUM12]

I liked this...very reality spoken...not to long not toooooo short...nice read good write...get it all out write some more of a different concept I'm interested...

best lines to me cuz felt u started pretty real and strong:

I'm living in Maine...where shi* can make anyone go insane/
I receive 'dirty looks'... which makes me wanna throw hooks/

I'm like a 'alien' to some whites...leavin em 'spooked' like dark nights/
I've tried being 'nice'...sometimes feelin within a 'vice/

[FatalX]

it was enough to hold my attention...very reality based I liked it...I would like to see you expound on all your areas...you have alot of potential to be really sick wit it

[Caleb Terry]

Thank you

-- Sun Dec 04, 2011 10:12 pm --

Advice for improvement?

-- Sun Dec 04, 2011 10:52 pm --

been told i an't shit cuz i'mma nigger/
ma classmates 'freaked' thinkin i'd pull a trigger/

witnessing 'snarles and sneers/
from ignorant drunks downin beers/

hurt feelin's of segra-gation/
i'm now searching for determ-inaion/

an I have the right to be in town/
dispite the hate i'm still arown/

a lot of 'white power' with discust/
deep within..im holdin fists to bust/

(structure could be better)

-- Sun Dec 04, 2011 10:56 pm --

^^^ANY STRUCTURE ADVICE??^^

[Alvin]

you have the basic rhyme scheme down, blah blah blah rhyme.

Try to start matching up syllables to help with the structure which also help the flow. So if line one has 6 syllables, and line 2 has 16, it wont flow, nor will the structure look good, but if its about evern, PRESTO.

As for content, Im not really a fan, rather closed minded. Well, only one way to get better, practice, so keep dropping.

Also, return the feed if you can http://www.illestlyrics.com/board/colle ... 24786.html

[Haz]

This was cool, I can tell you're new to writing..
Keep practicing on your Multi's.. you don't just wanna have one word as ya ending rhyme all the time.. It makes it boring you know.
keep experimenting with content, and i'm sure you'll get the grip of writing quicker. anyways this was cool , keep dropping