DVS1 - Truth be told

[thadevious1]

Yo truth be told

Ya need to put 1 and 1 together,
and stop speaking out ya asshole
Gory tales got ya shook,
that's why ya plaster ya face like a damn ho

Mind coruption, stopped you from functioning wright
Most assumptions in these times, 's sugar coated
All the bull, ya can keep swallowing it in... aight
Like the rest of the herd, that never noticed

Brainwashed pieces of shit, is washed up
Stuck in a loop, soap junkies ya comedy sucks
Trying to stay afloat, in life's lies for the moment
Ya B actors gone cry than die.. the end

See mines was on a monopolyzing tip, from day 1
You crumb snatching bastards, just looking for a exit
So I suguest, ya keep running ya mouths chumps

I ain't the one to point fingers at,
you should put blame on your moms and dad
Cause Yo, pops and moms business is already dead

Big corporations, speaking about less profit
But a economic downward spiral... I ain't on it
Government's only spooking ya, to believe in that shit

A devious mindset makes it easy, to see through the fog
with a iron curtain behind it...
Since the begining of man and man made gods,
so many lost they damn minds hiding from the facts
That the amount of it,
only mounted up in a world as decrepit 'n backwards as it now is

-- Fri Oct 28, 2011 9:44 am --

[Mic S]

Yo truth be told

Ya need to put 1 and 1 together,
and stop speaking out ya asshole
Gory tales got ya shook,
that's why ya plaster ya face like a damn ho
Flows a bit shaky - seems forced, but ok lets see where it goes
Mind coruption, stopped you from functioning wright
Most assumptions in these times, 's sugar coated
All the bull, ya can keep swallowing it in... aight
Like the rest of the herd, that never noticed
like the abab rhyme scheme here- 1st part is real i respect it - 2nd half it ended as if it needed more - like it doesn't make much sense (the part that i highlighted in a color
Brainwashed pieces of shit, is washed up
Stuck in a loop, soap junkies ya comedy sucks
Trying to stay afloat, in life's lies for the moment
Ya B actors gone cry than die.. the end
lol alright real talk - flow is again choppy but u kept it real
See mines was on a monopolyzing tip, from day 1
You crumb snatching bastards, just looking for a exit
So I suguest, ya keep running ya mouths chumps
i can dig this part, suttle but to the point
I ain't the one to point fingers at,
you should put blame on your moms and dad
Cause Yo, pops and moms business is already dead
ehh could do without this part
Big corporations, speaking about less profit
But a economic downward spiral... I ain't on it
Government's only spooking ya, to believe in that shit
flow is off - but not bad
A devious mindset makes it easy, to see through the fog
with a iron curtain behind it...
Since the begining of man and man made gods,
so many lost they damn minds hiding from the facts
That the amount of it,
only mounted up in a world as decrepit 'n backwards as it now is
im not sure where you were going with this last part - kinda got the message but its a bit confusing


Overall I would say flow is all over the place. I suggest reading some pieces and watch how people follow syllables, nd how to use a correct pause so it still flows smoothly.
Another thing is work on the rhyming scheme... whether its abab or aabb or abba - keep it consistant.
always do your stanzas 2-4 bars / the 3 bars kinda throws it off flow
--- Not a bad drop - stuck to the topic - just needs to be cleaned up a bit... Im sure once you get down the flow/syllable count the rest will come easy to you

[ahmedkerim]

this was on some real shit, lyrically, the flow was choppy, very choppy, the grammar was a bit off at times
but i can see where you were trying to go with the piece, i can dig the topic, nawm, but no lie, the flow was a buzz kill for me, learn to incorporate multies in your verses, it'll make the flow better, and it'll even make your writtens look better, lol, but all in all, this is an ok drop... could have been better if it was worded properly.

[CBK]

this is weak lyrically, the rhyme scheme is non existant an there is no multi usage and i never really graspthe concept of the bars what was the truth you were telling???

but i mean much respect for posting man especially for writin in your second language and still being able to write better than some i've seen keep it up man an keep practicing.

[Kau the Lion]

I think this went over some people's heads. The flow, while hard to catch, is better than everyone is giving it credit for. That's mainly do to formatting, probably. A little proof reading could help, though. Overall, I like what you're saying and I think the flow was pretty tight. Multies were sparse but I always think content and flow matter much more than multies, so, whatever.

[thadevious1]

thks for all the pointers guys apreciate it....

I'll try an write something less unorthodox next time
(is there a tutorial that shows how to use syllables the wright way?)