Beast from the East

[Shawnmd]

Feedbacks appreciated, and what im looking for. Let me know what you guys think.


your living in a illusion that relates to a haircut,
thinking that you have a edge, since you fail to play fair but,
I know I will need low virtue to hurt you,
absorbing air in the room just to see you squirt blue,
If you survive that, welcome to the trenches,
filled with stenches, like lockers after a group benches,
I'll cut more than your hair, playing the role of a barber,
sophisticated tools used for duels are what I harbour,
I'm holding a hush sign, as if we're going to play golf,
I'll drive you to the point where you'll poison yourself like adolf,
you could bring soldiers from the dead and form a legion,
I'll detonate your region, stacking bodies in cohesion,
trying to mimic, I can see you in the dark like Riddick,
so when you perform, your only noticed by a deaf critic,
my fans are cynical, waiting for whn I get pivotal,
I hate to disappoint them, since my error are minimal,
your being tested like a physical,
with low quality albums, your twice as overrated as Mystikal,
you start by fabricating that I'm not religious,
I finish by destroying bridges, you flying at sharper angles than ridges,
my hand juts out at your throat to sap your energy,
you won't remember me after I stick in a chip of new memory,
I cook emcees tender G, and turn generous,
giving families meals, leaving them to feel tenebrous.



http://www.illestlyrics.com/board/theon ... ml#p183476
http://www.illestlyrics.com/board/prome ... 24544.html

[K KiLLaH]

it was aight....... nothing amazing I feel like you coulda put more effort into it and try to WOW the audience instead of just rhyming

[Defiance]

yeah i agree with K.. a lot of potential tho.. more solid structure instead of just all over the place helps too..

but i did enjoy the read..

keep dropping and improving

[Soulo]

Canibus lover, eh? You're living in an illusion*

I like your attempts at wordplays and stuff, but you could really polish that verse structure to make it flow and hit it off well.

[Shawnmd]

Thanks for the feedback, structure seems to be the main issue here. I'll work on that.