Word up Illest

[Illizit]

My verse for Illest Topical prelim - topic: Electrocuted.



when it rains out here it pours and then some mores, and
Lightning deafens out your life Pulse without remorse,
tearing up your skin to shreds until it's torn apart,
given up your last Hope, your last resort.. Giving
up a final breath just as your heart Heaves
and stops beating, on your knees, jeez, why won't it restart ?
Tears shooting down your face to the floor,
Screams piercing deeper than your chest impaled by this sword,
Resonate in discord from your vocal cords,
Sounding through the airwaves, blocking out the Lord
Spurred by the words ringing through your core, like mortars
Guts spilling left to right, your stamina's my life support
Repercussions ripping through your bones when my rifle starts
Are you ready for a holy war?

Feedback? (No, I'm not in the tourney, signed up to this site too late for it.)
Where can I improve? Where can I take this flow?

Postin' so I can get in on a few battles later on. lol

[Enlightend]

Make sure u rhyme ur bars ur content is ok but ur flow was choppy at some areas... it was also a lil simple.. keep up though... I see potential