im new to the site (feedback plz)

[probablyTreed]

i gave feedback on two other pieces.. ill try n find the names.. and learn the rules for that matter http://www.illestlyrics.com/board/hot-f ... 21063.html http://www.illestlyrics.com/board/just- ... 21683.html



im, lit like a lantern,
light like a phantom,
split the swisher like an atom,
roll the sticks n let my dogs fetch em,
i got mean green like gremlins,
what u rolls gizmo, pitiful,
what i rolls medicinal,
eyes red, cherry pastry fillin,
hoverin like spaceships chillin,
abductin cows n shit,
experiment with kush,
tupperware fulla spearmint,
still sharper than a spear is,
higher than where the grinch lives,
admit u hear him like Whos on Christmas

tryna roll several,
get the swishers split,
fellowship of weed,
7 leafs to rule us all,
phsyically stuck, metally float off,
my eyes red like saurons

-- Tue Jun 21, 2011 6:08 pm --

if you know justin, its mornin,
egg shells broken,
bread slice toasted,
all this weed rolled up,
nesquick mixed in the milk cup,
whole banana cut up,
laughin at clowns and they floor banana slip ups,
i dont need em, rather do it solo,
on my own planet, im yoda,
meditatin in the forest flickin lightas,
you couldnt reach me with an x-fighta,
im way tighta,
cloud rappin n sky walkin,
im way higha,
cant shoot me down, dont dare fiya,
dont DARE if you want TRUTH, IM IT
the games had its break, TIME IN

-- Tue Jun 21, 2011 6:12 pm --

i got that charizard flame,
break it down like asteroid arcade,
which make sense cuz im already in space,
i got trees burnin up like the fire place,
no 2-a-days but tired days,
beyblades twistin nugs that look misted till memory missin,
i got my cards right, yall bitches fishin,
n if u look suspicious
ill tell you to pay attention to work,
like mind yah business

-- Tue Jun 21, 2011 6:15 pm --

i feel like rain, comin down,
jet plane, goin up,
still sowin up,
she cut me deep,
still cant believe,
gotta be fantasy,
stories over, fall asleep,
i feel dead,
so is she, to me,
i feel great, so is she, without me,
move on without her, move on without words,
cant talk it out, jus walk it out,
rollin up n smokin down,
treeman, cant knock me down,
nature preserve,
perservere n get what i deserve,
its been a rocky road, not soft serve,
im real, they frozen yogurt

-- Tue Jun 21, 2011 6:17 pm --

got cold fast, flash freeze,
movin slow cuz glaciers creep,
feelin mean on these drugs,
elmer fudd to bugs,
as for the slugs in my life,
hope u get salty,
friendship faulty,
fake shit more likely,
fake shit, joke novelty,
this pukes real tho yall make me sick,
vow to not act the way that they did,
after all i did? how u do that?
thought i knew you now im like whos that?
i dont despise you,
i jus dont recognize u n that shouldnt surprise you

-- Tue Jun 21, 2011 6:24 pm --

look up to bosses,
Hercules,
Ancient Greece technique imbued within me,
nowadays grease slow down these dudes,
fast food fools do the opposite,
ill go far,
arrowhead drinkin and my bows composite,
spit wicked predictin 6 digit deposits,
they desperate, tales of desperaux, im not this,
pockets lined wit trees give me high cognitive ability,
they cant stand it, or understand it,
they hate cuz the life is not how they planned it,
plan my doormat to b sandy,
trees palmy,
trees calming but not disarming,
im prepared for war

[Defiance]

dude not bad for a first drop here.. but structure could use improvement

hence this is what you wrote:
im, lit like a lantern, light like a phantom, split the swisher like an atom, roll the sticks n let my dogs fetch em, i got mean green like gremlins, what u rolls gizmo, pitiful, what i rolls medicinal, eyes red, cherry pastry fillin, hoverin like spaceships chillin,

This is a better structure:
im, lit like a lantern,
light like a phantom
split the swisher like an atom,
roll the sticks n let my dogs fetch em,
i got mean green like gremlins,
what u rolls gizmo
pitiful, what i rolls medicinal
eyes red, cherry pastry fillin
hoverin like spaceships chillin,


:::

when you write shit in paragraph style it fucks the flow up, makes it more like a read than a rap nah mean.

but chea.. i liked it got a smooth keystyle vibe to it, try adding more complexities and met4s with a stronger structure


welcom to illest man

[TreTru]

this is an aight freestyle...you do wanna leave links though or they'll close your post til you do...

[MonuMental]

I got an idea of your flow in the chat, so I know the shit is on point. Get you some feed posted on it before they lock it, bruh.