88SkyLink - Success To A Failure

[88SkyLink]

This was the moment when rapping became my saviour
When I was so fond of rhyming with a pen and a paper
Got me flowing like a water, then vanished like vapour
And thats when I came from success, to a failure
It all starts with a pen making contact physically
On a naked piece of paper, which get dressed up lyrically
Transferred to singles and stuffs that gets hated so cynically
You suddenly get envied, despised by you're haters so clinically
You get adored, and you're names being shouted by young-aged virgin
A little Praise's certain, even roses in front of the stage curtains
But when all the fame comes, you get a feelings of an anemone
Cuz you can't handle the buzz being widespread by the enemies
There's no remedy, when you're spitting mainstream melodies
Cuz just unlike your music, you're left underground like a sesame
Man its all part of the recipe, and ya career turns gastronomical
You fall down like a mutha fucka, after feeling so astronomical

[Alvin]

This was the moment when rapping became my saviour
When I was so fond of rhyming with a pen and a paper
well the opener implies a good subject matter, but the simplistic rhyme scheme gave me the feeling it would fall rather hollow.
Got me flowing like a water, then vanished like vapour
And thats when I came from success, to a failure
It all starts with a pen making contact physically
On a naked piece of paper, which get dressed up lyrically
The "a" seems out of place before water. The concept is cool in this second bar, dressing it up and all. Not too shabby. But the rhyme scheme isnt very impressive.
Transferred to singles and stuffs that gets hated so cynically
You suddenly get envied, despised by you're haters so clinically
You get adored, and you're names being shouted by young-aged virgin
A little Praise's certain, even roses in front of the stage curtains
How does one despine clinicly? And the use of "stuffs" really threw me off.
But when all the fame comes, you get a feelings of an anemone
Anemone: "any of various plants belonging to the genus Anemone, of the buttercup family, having petallike sepals and including several wild species with white flowers as well as others cultivated for their showy flowers in a variety of colors." <- althought the word does rhyme, it doesnt make a whole lot of sense... I'm rather lost, explain?
Cuz you can't handle the buzz being widespread by the enemies
There's no remedy, when you're spitting mainstream melodies
Cuz just unlike your music, you're left underground like a sesame
I have sesame seeds on burgers, not underground lol. Nice inner multi to help with the flow, i would have liked to see more of this scheme through out the whole piece.
Man its all part of the recipe, and ya career turns gastronomical
You fall down like a mutha fucka, after feeling so astronomical
Nice tie in with the gastronomical and recipe. The ending was ok, but in retrospect, it didnt tie very well to what you introduced as the subject matter. Over all not a bad read, inner rhymes would help you a lot. Keep dropping man.

[Defiance]

liked it man, solid lil piece here, good structure good flow.. but played subject matter never leads to solidly intresting pieces. could up your multiple rhymes and similies but i liked it none the less

welcome to illest

[The Gonz]

Pretty good. Good flow. Had some good use of vocab in there. I like the way you worded some of the lines, the roses in front of the stage curtains was nice. I think if you polished up the multies, you'd be a pretty damn ill writer.

[vanity]

"This was the moment when rapping became my saviour
When I was so fond of rhyming with a pen and a paper
Got me flowing like a water, then vanished like vapour
And thats when I came from success, to a failure"

^ nice opening i liked it

"And thats when I came from success, to a failure
It all starts with a pen making contact physically
On a naked piece of paper, which get dressed up lyrically
Transferred to singles and stuffs that gets hated so cynically
You suddenly get envied, despised by you're haters so clinically"

^^ i was feeling that

"A little Praise's certain, even roses in front of the stage curtains
But when all the fame comes, you get a feelings of an anemone
Cuz you can't handle the buzz being widespread by the enemies
There's no remedy, when you're spitting mainstream melodies"

^^^ very nice

this was good i liked the beginning more than the ending but it was a nice read, good job!