La la laaa

[davejot]

Baby i knw i broke ur heart,
this world cant take us apart/
seeing u everyday,
make me feel like its a holiday/
baby il give u shade,
but i think u need to stand a little closer/
life's just given once,
baby dont use it twice,im not gonna ask u thrice/
i guess u gotta throw the dice,
dont think about the con-sequences/
we'r not gonna live life in sequences,
ul always be my princess/
but never be numberone girl,
dont take it wrong,
cuz there aint no number 2/
im just tryin to give u my heart girl,
dont throw it like a dart girl,
im just playin my part girl/
and aint no one tearin us apart girl,
i guess i played my part girl,
dont think about the world now/
(chorus)we gon do it like
la la la laaaa...girl
and the world can take la la laa girl...
We gon never drift apart girl na na na na naaaaa.....girl
(2)i know i was always wrong,
and u were always right/
they say love aint forever,
but imma prove em worng/
U gon be my princess,
u can even take my throne/
one look in ur eyes nd im overthrown,
u sweep me off my feet/
im not tryin to flatter girl,
im here to prove a point/
u cant find no one better-than me,
let me say something silly and make u mine girl/

[Alvin]

Are you a singer by any chance? The lines are way short, but definitly better structured than the first piece i reviewed. I personally wouldnt use the word "Thrice", plus, i think its without the "h". Obie trice, real games no gimmics lol. Any how, it was a first sign of double rhyming here :im just tryin to give u my heart girl,
dont throw it like a dart girl,
im just playin my part girl/
and aint no one tearin us apart girl,
i guess i played my part girl,
which is good, but its still rather simple. All in all, good improvement from your prior drop, but keep it up.


Here man, I'm not saying you suck or you should go kill yourself, but take a minute or some to read this, it might help you. http://www.illestlyrics.com/board/text- ... t3038.html I know some vets in writing that still look over that here and there, so i mean no offence.

[FlipSide]

dont throw it like a dart girl,
im just playin my part girl/
and aint no one tearin us apart girl,
i guess i played my part girl,

This right here is what im poiting out.... There should be some variation to the words unless you're a singer like homeboy up here said. But u can use rhyming words... girl rhymes with a lot of shit. You can also add a few metaphores.. Similies and things of that nature to make it a little more eye catching... Seems like u have the idea to rhyme down.. with jus a little structure and work i feel that u can elevate quickly. Keep droppin em dude

[TheNobleOne]

yeah a little too basic and the structure is just short. definitely work on that.

[davejot]

thx guys for your replies... I knw i suck, well cuz im new to the game, but i guess il become better.
So keep the criticism up....

-- Fri Dec 24, 2010 3:15 pm --

Baby i knw i broke ur heart,
but this freakin world cant take us apart/
dont think dis a freakout,just dont-do-the-depart
seeing u every single day,makes me feel like its a holiday,
thanksgiving to you for every single moment of foreplay/
baby i think you still need my shade
but u need to stand a little closer,dont cut me off with the blade-of-truth/
life's just given once,
baby dont use it twice,im not gonna ask u thrice,
and iv got not much word play cuz im no obie, trice,
this is the roullet of life, ur turn to throw da dice/
dont think about the con-sequences,
we'r not gonna live life in sequences,
ul always be my princess,with or without the glass slipper,
il marry you even if ur in slippers,flash but dont dipper
good moments,but dont dip-her/
You will never be my number one girl,
dont take it wrong,cuz not last calls for the number 2 girl,
dont say that we'r through with it/
im just tryin to give u my heart,dont pierce the excalibur through this weak stoner/
there's no one tearin us apart,i guess i played my part in this world,
dont think about the gold now/
(chorus)we gon do it like
la la la laaaa...girl
and the world can take la la laa girl...
We gon never drift apart girl na na na na naaaaa.....girl
(2)i know i was always wrong,
and u were always right,
but one chance to right-the-wrong,
cuz wrong-is-right and, what is wrong,get with it girl cuz i keep it tight ,without a fight/
they say love aint forever,these days even daimonds aint forever,
but better tell em what-ever,
cuz you already know that the shit is right like where-ever and dont act cold like december/
You can be my queen, take my throne/
one look in ur eyes nd im overthrown,
not overshown cuz overacting is my persona/
im not tryin to flatter you,im here to prove a point
serve the paltter like i know it,
u cant find no one better-than me,
let me say something silly and make u mine,
its now or when ever,dont correct me,
or its never girl/
THE NEW AND IMPROVED VERSION

[blokB]

you dont suck bruh everyone has to find theyre style i still cant even find mine. DONT GET DISCOURAGED! on the the written... im not feeling this piece but i like the topic, i mean who doesnt have bitch problems? even bitches have bitch problems. lol. anyway its realy simple, i couldnt realy find a flow and i dont really see a format. maybe im spitting it a different way in my head. just stay at it dawg and keep dropping.