Jersey Asylum

[Lyrical Gen]

First verse to a song I'm writing.

Beat- Jay-z: There's Been a Murder
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=A9ENNHwkiWI

Peep the random thoughts from a damaged heart, awkward inside…
I don’t want all of the pie all at one time, I demand it in parts…
I’m from a place where amateurs talk, and cameras spark…
Sheddin light on the man in the dark, while he’s parked in his ride…
They look up…often surprised, at the officer’s eyes…
His identity?...lost in disguise….(sigh) them pigs got em…
Bigger problems when you’re cooped within a cage, where rabid packs…
Of savage cats will stab ya back, without movement of a blade…
Whose to blame?.....(product of habitat), shyt stay jumpin…
Crews are slain…damn, somebody done split they onion…
seconds later the mood has changed, either you picture this…
as abstract art, or you have a distorted view within ya frame…
my vision’s hazy, but who knew a nigga’s brain could be tainted…
like clogged toilets in a mental asylum, shyt is crazy…
they hunt for me like missing babies, they plan to paint me in red…
still the best of my blood remains to be shed…

[MesaR]

I thought this dope, the style was different but i enjoyed the read had mass majority of good one liners, just the punch's could of been worded abit better to give em that extra sting!

First thing i have read by you, and i can see you have you potential!

[Lyrical Gen]

This verse is a tad bit moderate in comparison with my other drops in this forum. I kept the punches moderate to go with the mood of the instrumental better....otherwise I would have worded them differently and set them up more thoroughly.

Thanx for the feedback tho.

[IntrinsicCadence]

This is a nice drop man. I literally just finished making a beat, and am reading this drop while listening to what I just completed, and the flow matches up perfectly. The only place where I got a little tripped up on the flow was the 'them pigs got em' line, the rhyme scheme seemed to shift unexpectedly. The content's pretty solid here too, maybe not the best I've read from u, but still good. I enjoy reading ur writtens, they always relatively unique and worded well.

[K KiLLaH]

this shit ws dope i followed ya flow all the way thru idk if i woulda structured it that way but this shit is still crack fav lines:


Bigger problems when you’re cooped within a cage, where rabid packs…
Of savage cats will stab ya back, without movement of a blade…


my vision’s hazy, but who knew a nigga’s brain could be tainted…
like clogged toilets in a mental asylum, shyt is crazy…
they hunt for me like missing babies, they plan to paint me in red…
still the best of my blood remains to be shed…

[Lyrical Gen]

Thanx for the feedback you two, I appreciate your thoughts.

[QwarterZ]

This was a nice drop...when I started it off...I caught a slight Jay Z vintage flow...Where I'm From type of intro..which was cool considering the beat and so on...the use of multis were placed nicely..ur switch ups did seem strange but I think it might be one of those better heard then seen type things a lot of smooth vibes with this one though...nice visuals n so on...keep writing my dude

[ Post made via Mobile Device ]

[knowconscience]

like clogged toilets in a mental asylum,shit is crazy
i thought the line was cool but simple.

you have a good flow and your use of imagery is pretty ill.
i do feel some lines did not connect togther well though.
but hey... we all have difrrent styles so just stay up and keep droppin.

[Lyrical Gen]

This was a nice drop...when I started it off...I caught a slight Jay Z vintage flow...Where I'm From type of intro..which was cool considering the beat and so on...the use of multis were placed nicely..ur switch ups did seem strange but I think it might be one of those better heard then seen type things a lot of smooth vibes with this one though...nice visuals n so on...keep writing my dude

[ Post made via Mobile Device ]

^^^
Yea, I tried to keep the punches to a minimum and keep them simplistic while weaving an intricate rhymescheme and alternating the flow a bit. The formatting I used is a little awkward for text. It's difficult to pick up how it's supposed to sound unless you hear it on audio, so I understand where you and other ppl are coming from tryna ctach the flow where I switched it up at points in the verse. But still, thanx for the feedback folks.

[Phasewon]

Nice rhyme patterns and flow switch ups, I write all my shit to beats so I can recognize the flow structure despite it's visual complexity while just reading it. Not the strongest shit in terms of just straight up lyrical skill flexing, but there's a difference between making dope 'verses', and making dope 'songs' and this shit would still be lyrical in 'song format' as opposed to just raw spittin' format. Sometimes you have to dumb the style down a bit for the benefit of the song and ride the beat to a specific rhythm, all this considered, dope shit.

[Lyrical Gen]

Thanx for the feed and you got exactly what I was aiming for. It's not hard and it's not whack, it's just right for the beat I was writing it to as opposed to my other drops on here.

My other drop "No Evil Compared" is a harder-hitting flex-type song cause the beat I was writing to was dark. This one is more about flow and delivery.

Good look fam.