Can anybody hear me???..(part1)

[daworst1]

 Help Im fallen i cAnt get up,
I pray dear lord plz fill my cup,
My souls fights my flesh gives up,
So much to say but i cant errupt,
My lifes currupt, theres a wall  i cant disrupt i cant construct,
ive failed at this so many times ive had enuff it just to much,
Once again im goin in main objective is to win,
I Cant race with all these sins finishline i see the end,
Give me strength angels desend,
Lil train i think i can,
No ones real ur my only friend,
I hold the pain and just pretend,
i grab the pen in hopes to mend,
Will i ever feel free just tell me when,
I walk the streets,look at my shadow
While we meet,
It looks so empty in discrete,
I look up to the heavens "just retreat",
My shadows talkin, i turn left and see its secretly stalkin,
i cant take it! my shoes r walkin,
Everystep my knees are fallin,
Im 3 again.. My eyes are ballin,
phones ringin..death is callin,
I grab the gun my heart is stallin,
"just do it".. my shadow emplies,
I Take one last look to the sky,
Grab the gun and ask him why,
give me one reason i shouldnt die,
I place the pistol next to my eye,
time to let go and give this a try,
one bullet in the chamber ready to pop,
It feels like my hearts about to st..........

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[Orfadox]

Id like to give this a breakdown but as im using my phone i cant so here goes.......i enjoyed reading this peice the flow was nice and the story to me was quite simple but effective non the less it set a good picture in my mind of the scene overall good drop man cant wait to read part 2

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[daworst1]

Im glad u enjoyed it..im writin the 2nd part now..ill drop ot soon...thanks for the feedbakk..its well appreciated...its cool if u couldnt break it down..stay up and keep ritin...one...

can any1 break it down?..

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[FlipSide]

Im 3 again.. My eyes are ballin,
phones ringin..death is callin,
I grab the gun my heart is stallin,
"just do it".. my shadow emplies,
I Take one last look to the sky,
Grab the gun and ask him why,

This Right Here Remained Simple But It Was Very Vivid... One Question For The Plexes And Yezzirs... At What Point Does The Lack Of Word Play Become Acceptable Due To Descriptive Writing... If At All Theres A Point.. Or Do U Stand By The Notion That It Should Be Integrated Regardless...

Any Ways Bro... This Was A Good Story Telling Verse here.. I Hope He Shoots Himself And Lives... Then Has To put Up With A Crazy Handi Cap... But Thats Just Me.. Nice Work

[daworst1]

thanks for the feedbakk...keep it cummin..good looks...one.

[Kuhlerblynd]

I agree with what both guys said, especially the bar that Flip pointed out. This was a solid drop, and Im interested in seeing what the next one has to say. Overall the flow and angle was simple, but you did make it vivid with the imagery.


@Flip, I think it always helps to have wordplay in a text piece, because with text, it can be easier to notice, and therefore its much more effective in text. I dont think you should sacrifice imagery for wordplay in a piece such as this, but I think incorporating some always strengthens the verse. But there are also verses, more of the self hype type shit, where imagery should be sacrificed for wordplay, if you catch my drift...

[Kau the Lion]

Good shit. Much better than the other piece of yours I read. I hate to reuse the same word everyone else used but vivid best describes this piece. I like how the pace picked up at the end. One piece of advice I would give, and I think this holds especially true in text, is to proof read your verse. When you get to a weird spelling error or something it can disrupt the flow for the reader. Anyway, keep dropping. Looking forward to more stuff from you.

[daworst1]

Aight thanks man..its well appreciated....stay up.one.

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