Audible Jewel

[IntrinsicCadence]

I just finished this one a few minutes ago. I'm thinking I'm gonna need to change the sung chorus somewhat, but other than that this is what it is. Maybe it's cuz I've been working on this one for quite some time over the last few days (just finished the beat a few days ago, the lyrics and the recording today), but I'm feeling this is one of the better ones I've done. So I'd truly appreciate some feedback (I'm particularly fond of the second verse). Originally this one was being written to a beat by Hollywood Jesus that we're collaborating on, but about halfway into the writing process I realized these lyrics actually work better with the mood of this particular instrumental.

Here's the lyrics for it:

(0:10) While the world spins and the whirlwind grows-
I'll be servin' all these word blends/ and observin' the ebbs and the flows-
And my verses, they'll keep burstin' from the searches within my soul-
Cuz my purpose ain't to be the ghost/ of the thoughts that you wanna hold...
I'm not gonna ever fold/ cuz I'm livin' in the rhythm of a goal/
And my vision is invincible/ so with every step I'll forever grow...
However the wind wills to blow/ I will weather the inevitable/
And will be a better man for it at the end of the road----
(0:42 sing) (I will be the better man/ and offer you this olive branch
So let's rock the path to peace and drop the battle plan) x2
(1:02) Whatever the obstacle/ I won't stop 'till I've rocked the impossible/
This is an audible jewel/ that I've dropped with a message in a bottle for you/
I'm tryin' to live with what I was given in truth-
But I find my mind subdued/ by the blind hindsight of so many views/
And while the silence of the listeners looms/ I'll be rhymin' to a different tune/
Waitin' for the rest of you/ to endeavor to attain to another aim, not another feud/
So I lie listless 'till my mind kisses all these beautiful hues-
But if I miss this/ then my time's twisted/ to a form/ that I wouldn't wanna witness/
So I'm torn-
I'm aligning my mind's findings to corridors before unexplored,
And I'm climbing inside until I finally soar. Finally soar. Finally soar........
(1:57 sing) (I will be the better man/ and offer you this olive branch
So let's rock the path to peace and drop the battle plan) x2
(2:18) I would rather be the one to rise/ then to fall to my demise/
So I open up my eyes/ with my focus on a prize of another kind/
Hopin' that this opus can be openin' the minds/ of the youth to help them realize,
redefine and realign the path of time/ that's passin' by/ as fast as you and I/ can loose our way/
Whose to say/ what the future may/ bring to the day?/
But the truth is we can aim/ we can prove the world can change/
And overcome the pain/ that the children of today are suffering

[The Gonz]

This was pretty good. You had good rhythm and flow, I noticed a couple spots where you had to stretch a word out to get the flow to work, but the actual rhythm in your voice was spot on. Beat was a little basic, but I like the sample/guitar. Lyrics were good, but I feel that the delivery was lacking. It was rather monotone despite the pitch change/ melody you tried to incorporate. You just sounded bored while recording this. I think the track has a lot of potential though. Maybe add some louder, more vibrant drums to the beat and try to capture the mood better and you'd have a solid track.

[FlipSide]

the hook i was not feeling bro... prolly cuz of the quality couldve been better but i def feel the flow on the track it self... i think u couldve polished it up a lil... a few parts u out shine ur self then on few part u fall back to sillable counting... but over all tight... ive notice u been dropping a whole lot lately....good shit bro

[Sentus]

I actually liked the chorus lol. Beat was beautiful but a risky beat to tackle. I think the main problem with this was your delivery. The way you stretched out the last word of the bar and said it weird was really annoying and the biggest flaw in the track IMO

[IntrinsicCadence]

Thanks for the comments on this one, I appreciate it. I'm understanin' what your saying, Ruckus, about feeling like I sounded a little bored with this one when I recorded it, after I listened again I could tell what your talking about. I'm gonna re-record this one when I'm not exhausted , and will also touch up the hook a bit. I like the lyrics and the rhythm of it, but I want it to remain mellow, so I think I'm gonna change it a bit with the aim of expressing a bit more passion behind it while still maintaining the laid back feel. As for the monotone sound of my voice, I'm thinking I might try to change up the tone a bit in the 1st verse, but for me a bit monotone, but a deep monotone, with this particular instrumental actually sounds better.
Thanks all for the comments, when I hear the kind of specific feedback ya'll dropped here, it is genuinely useful to me, since pretty much everything I'm droppin' here in illestlyrics is the draft just before I'm gonna redo all of them aiming to make it as good as I can.