Just to get ya attention

[~Ca$per~]

ya they call me casper but i promise i aint to friendly boys
lightyears ahead of rappers like im im spittin out the oracles voice

mean muggin you niggas like i dont give a fuck
load slugs and pull triggas all you bitches just suck

wont hesitate to eliviate these weak hearted rhymes
i just devastate these fags who hate with minimal lines

i aint even gotta try to bring forward the lies of ya spit
simply get myself high tell you pussys goodbye and i rip

lines you cant fathom in a class all my own im laughin
want my lines you cant have em just go home you aint rappin

and this thread is just a taste to get you fake bitches to see
that casper will lay to waist any bitch who fuck with me

[QwarterZ]

could you use mass work, don't use threatening lines
it takes away from the piece, I mean you are on the net
if anything it should make you want to get wittier with lines
for example instead of saying I gotta nine that'll clap you
just cuz it's gots slugs inside ready to get at you

say something like...

I gotta nine that's ready to clap you
she in second grade and laugh at funny rap dudes

either way...I'm kinda mixed up right now...but you know what I mean
you gotta be creative, many a day theres a young'n talking guns
but you know we all heard that...so...be creative man
think up some decent shit, try to get onto a different level
don't let people say OH THATS SOME DOPE SHIT
when at the end of the day it's heard everywhere
alright...just some friendly advice....peace

[Kuhlerblynd]

Aight... Breakdown...

ya they call me casper but i promise i aint to friendly boys
lightyears ahead of rappers like im im spittin out the oracles voice

Nice concept but friendly boys is ehh... Startin it off though. Solid flow.

mean muggin you niggas like i dont give a fuck
load slugs and pull triggas all you bitches just suck

This has no multi rhyme scheme. The trigger line is cool if you're going to get in depth with it as a written, which I feel this as more of you kicking bars around type approach. As a result, its not impressive. Master P said this so many times in a rhyme, with basically the same wordage. Im sure he said the same thing at one point. Great creative and think outside of the box my man.

wont hesitate to eliviate these weak hearted rhymes
i just devastate these fags who hate with minimal lines

Aight, an example. Weak heared could have been played with by using a phrase like...
I'll collaspe ya main artery, lift your carcass and elevate your weak hearted rhymes...
Using an approach like that brings the line more to life and gives it feel, depending on the type of emcee you are and how you deliver...

i aint even gotta try to bring forward the lies of ya spit
simply get myself high tell you pussys goodbye and i rip

lines you cant fathom in a class all my own im laughin
want my lines you cant have em just go home you aint rappin

and this thread is just a taste to get you fake bitches to see
that casper will lay to waist any bitch who fuck with me


Plenty to work on, bro, but here's a start for you. Take that advice and lay some more lines down, then we will go from there.