Just sumthin i wrote honesty is appreciated

[HyKuU]

It's my time now I'm here for the taking / while they was all hating ya boy been caking / used to be a underdog, now i soar like a raven /
they say i just touched down but this beat I'm really grazing / Niggas bars are old n dry like a raisins / getting stacks all day i be paper chasing / spit sharp bars like my tongue is a razor / cut the speakers and leave em shocked like a Taser / Amazing / how i go in like we entered the matrix / it's crazy / i get rabid on the beat, straight savage imma beast, like ya boy got rabies / riding on the beat i should call it Mercedes / spit a smart game that's why i always got the ladies / and for the gentlemen i don't care if you hate me / They say my flow went outta proportion like im mentally crazy / so lemme turn up the heat and show niggas how i be blazin

- HyKuU

[QwarterZ]

Work on your structure, add some depth
find yourself some more outgoing stuff to write about
work on the rhymes a bit, add a lil' more uncharacteristic views
get yourself a new avy and then create a masterpiece....


that's honesty.......now goooooooooooooooo

[HyKuU]

Thanks guys imma go get my flow up !

[QwarterZ]

.........that's what she said

[$eR!oU$ SK!LL]

It's my time now I'm here for the taking / while they was all hating ya boy been caking / used to be a underdog, now i soar like a raven /
they say i just touched down but this beat I'm really grazing / Niggas bars are old n dry like a raisins / getting stacks all day i be paper chasing / spit sharp bars like my tongue is a razor / cut the speakers and leave em shocked like a Taser / Amazing / how i go in like we entered the matrix / it's crazy / i get rabid on the beat, straight savage imma beast, like ya boy got rabies / riding on the beat i should call it Mercedes / spit a smart game that's why i always got the ladies / and for the gentlemen i don't care if you hate me / They say my flow went outta proportion like im mentally crazy / so lemme turn up the heat and show niggas how i be blazin

- HyKuU

I didn't think it was to bad.
I'd say the best advice you could get is: change your format.
Watch how much better I can make your verse look.

It's my time now I'm here for the taking
while they was all hating ya boy been caking
used to be a underdog, now i soar like a raven
they say i just touched down but this beat I'm really grazing
Niggas bars are old n dry like a raisins
getting stacks all day i be paper chasing
spit sharp bars like my tongue is a razor
cut the speakers and leave em shocked like a Taser
Amazing...how i go in like we entered the matrix
it's crazy... i get rabid on the beat, straight savage
imma beast, like ya boy got rabies
riding on the beat i should call it Mercedes
spit a smart game that's why i always got the ladies
and for the gentlemen i don't care if you hate me
They say my flow went outta proportion like im mentally crazy
so lemme turn up the heat and show niggas how i be blazin

See, looks much better.
You would then wanna reword just a couple things.
But besides that, it really aint to bad of a verse.
Now if it was a battle verse, you would definitely have to come harder though.
Keep doin your thing.
Be Eazy

[FlipSide]

i agree with serius on this... i thought it was ok exept for the structure... but u made use of metaphors and ur piece flowed well... all u gotta do is like Qz said..add more depth and find ill topics to write about and then u on the road...Keep droppin tho man...

[DaPrince]

The metaphors were there but some of them were a little simplistic. It's almost as if it was a freestyle because everything is surface level. Take some time and think of some new stuff that you've never heard before (if it happens to be played at least it's original to you). Also I think you can make more use of multi's to give your flow some consistency. But I do see a lot of potential so keep droppin and elevating bro.