poetic passion

[(Trubblecleff)]

a pen a pad a piece of paper
my love my pain my frustration my anger
colors and inks tones and context
shades of grey, erasin the defects
the pictures i portray the feelins i convey
the world i construct to conduct my getaway
i used to sit and play makin up excuses for the bruises
got uprooted moms was shootin had to visit uncle brittain in houston
moved back got jacked got smacked caught a lotta crap for not bein black
ur white what u know bout rap struggle yeah right what u know bout that
i ran away had a lapse in judgement tired of gettin beat
got dinner out the dumpster not knowin that u r what u eat
and if thats true im either white trash nothin or buzzard meat
i sunk so low i might as well lived under the street
they say u reep- the seeds u sew- y couldnt i -croshet a rose
i suppose as i growed i broke the mold and embraced my flaws
cut myself out the picture feelin like one of those paper dolls
the stapler calls need to pull myself together
got both my legs but im an unarmed man if i dont get better
often my rage wages war and im riddle by hate
i place it on a page to pacify my mental state
a safe haven from agin a trade so ancient
a place where its possible to practice my patience
im Gods creation creatin...
a place away from evil disgrace where people replace needles with other people for escape
we all got an equal take but until the sequel of jesus even a cathederals a cage

just to be clear im trubblecleff theres an issue with the site that wont let me pm or view my wall or ne graphics on the site so.....
i reregistered and it works fine now

tell me what u think im tryin to inject punches into my stuff

[JDR]

a place away from evil disgrace where people replace needles with other people for escape
we all got an equal take but until the sequel of jesus even a cathederals a cage

Nicest bar in your verse here

The story telling was nice in this. It was creative. The flow was a bit choppy in parts only cause you were trying to rhyme too many words in the same sentence. I'd aim for more multies and less one word rhymes to structure your verse better. Also, I'd concentrate on harder and more creative punches.

"i sunk so low i might as well lived under the street"
Gets the point across but overall, weak.

"got dinner out the dumpster not knowin that u r what u eat"
Same as above.

Overall though, I liked this. Keep elevatin' and I'll keep feedin'

[FlipSide]

The story telling was nice in this. It was creative. The flow was a bit choppy in parts only cause you were trying to rhyme too many words in the same sentence. I'd aim for more multies and less one word rhymes to structure your verse better. Also, I'd concentrate on harder and more creative punches.

I agree....but your story telling skillz is ill