Starin At Tha World

[JHaze]

this is good some parts i was feelin more than others though, for a quick key its not bad but it has potential to be a lot better if you revise it a lil, i can tell your flow is there but it just seems like some parts need to be reworded a little, either way overall its still nice good stuff keep droppin

[complexity]

Welcome to the scripts.

Just A Quick Key... Feed Would Be Preciated..

i Caught Myself Starin At Tha World Again i Hurled Then
it's Got Me Fucked Up Almost Like i'm in A Whirl Wind

Whirl Wind......Word

My Devotion Brings Out My Greatest Emotions
it's Always Sendin Me Through Convulsions

Good use of vocabulary

Cocaine Makin it So My Nostrils Hard To Breathe Through
Then i Read Tha Bible And See Egyptians Killin Hebrews

I don't quite see the relevance? Both of the ideas make sense.

it's Kinda Sick But Shit Aint Changed Much
i Can't Believe Tha News Has Named Such
Horror Crime And Mayhem Tha Streets Are Dyin
Media Always Leavin Us Sheltered So Peeps Are Lyin

True

But i Gotta Mind To Defy Them Cuz i'm Way Beyond Sick
i Used To Be On Don Shit Atleast i Was Honest

I would have said, I'm way beyond sick, I was honest, I use to be on that don shit. The way you ended it just wasn't effective enough for a really dope line. Tell me what you think.

Then i Reminisce And See Nana Walkin Through Tha Halls Again
My Mind Starts To Stall Again Pukin Steadily 'Til i'm Tall An Thin

Nope

My Life Was Good Though What if i Was in Korea Or Nam
i'm Sure i'd Wake Up Dreamin Of Bombs
Wait i Almost Forgot i Still Do i Dont Wanna See it
Sometimes it's Hard To Swallow Tha Truth But i Wanna Beat it

I have no problem with this.

i Used To Be Poor That's Why i Respect Tha Bottom
Tha Stress Has Got Me Who Else Wanna Express Their Problems?...

Alright. Good enough ending.

Good drop man.

It's NICE to see you back in the scripts.

[- Mutual -]

mayne this was sum deep shyt here i man the whirl wind didn't quite rhyme but that dont matter i liked this over all the second bar killed it with vocab the whole piece was worth readin mayne

[Haz]

i Caught Myself Starin At Tha World Again i Hurled Then
it's Got Me Fucked Up Almost Like i'm in A Whirl Wind

Good begginin..

My Devotion Brings Out My Greatest Emotions
it's Always Sendin Me Through Convulsions

Expand of Vocab ..

Cocaine Makin it So My Nostrils Hard To Breathe Through
Then i Read Tha Bible And See Egyptians Killin Hebrews

Sounds Like Some Jus Allah shyt..

it's Kinda Sick But Shit Aint Changed Much
i Can't Believe Tha News Has Named Such
Horror Crime And Mayhem Tha Streets Are Dyin
Media Always Leavin Us Sheltered So Peeps Are Lyin

Word..

But i Gotta Mind To Defy Them Cuz i'm Way Beyond Sick
i Used To Be On Don Shit Atleast i Was Honest
Then i Reminisce And See Nana Walkin Through Tha Halls Again
My Mind Starts To Stall Again Pukin Steadily 'Til i'm Tall An Thin

Lmfao This shyt Was Hott .. Liked How U Strung it Together

My Life Was Good Though What if i Was in Korea Or Nam
i'm Sure i'd Wake Up Dreamin Of Bombs
Wait i Almost Forgot i Still Do i Dont Wanna See it
Sometimes it's Hard To Swallow Tha Truth But i Wanna Beat it

Word I Like This

i Used To Be Poor That's Why i Respect Tha Bottom
Tha Stress Has Got Me Who Else Wanna Express Their Problems?...

Wooord.


Good Shyt.

[token jesture]

was feeling this man, the rhyming in places made me have to go read the line again to get the flow, which obv in an audio u can do better coz its ur verse, but for me it made it feel like it lacked coherence, a few lines cud maybe do with some altering but mate overall i really like it n id give it an 8/10

i look forward to reading some more of ur stuff

-- Mon Nov 09, 2009 4:53 pm --

was feeling this man, the rhyming in places made me have to go read the line again to get the flow, which obv in an audio u can do better coz its ur verse, but for me it made it feel like it lacked coherence, a few lines cud maybe do with some altering but mate overall i really like it n id give it an 8/10

i look forward to reading some more of ur stuff

[SoulRite]

Nice Man, I Could That Wasnt Just A Whatever Free, That Took Some Mind Skillz Man

[QwarterZ]

I like the vocab in this work
the visuals is also a nice addition to this
which makes it in my case a standout
very well put together young sir