Inspiration

[Prime]

Inspiration

Goes to the beat of http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VDE5a5Ua ... rofilepage

I'm just sittin here, just thinkin of ways
that I could raise the bar and get on the stage
Below the bars its hard to see, distorted views
Spittin truthful words, and tryin to invoke my muse
Seein in the air smoke up, maybe filled with fumes?
But I see the darkness, approach this room
Taken over lyrics that are comin out of my mouth
Bringin the roof off and blowin up house
Like a burnin cigar that just was never lit
Shit magical just like my victorious spits
The sun always shinin when I come to the mic
Sittin back as my words start to come to light
In a street fight, ya I've been plenty
Use to beat down on a kid named Alex Stenny
But all of that ,is just a history of livin
Gettin the best out of the fuckin life that I was given
Reflections of the mind, always sparkin up thoughts
Closin my eyes man, I think I'm seein spots
And not dots man, these shits are so bright
Glowin words man, words comin to light

Glowin words, the light burnin in your eyes
The type of shit that made our people start to despise
The inspiration that was given to, Virgin Mary
The inspiration that forced a culture that didn't vary
The type of shit that made philosophers sit and wonder
The type of drug that forced the system to tear asunder
Open your eyes man, you need to stop and see
This force of nature can flow through you and me

http://www.illestlyrics.com/board/run-t ... 14310.html

-- Wed Oct 21, 2009 7:16 pm --

Uppin for feedback...

-- Wed Oct 21, 2009 7:42 pm --

Uppin for feedback...

[JHaze]

its not bad dude but too be honest you have room to elavate, its good that your not real basic with your vocab and your lines arent too long but try work in some multies and better rhyme schemes it will make your work flow a lot better, good stuff keep writin man

[Prime]

thanks for the feedback man.

[complexity]

[quote="Prime"]

Inspiration

Goes to the beat of http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VDE5a5Ua ... rofilepage

I'm just sittin here, just thinkin of ways
that I could raise the bar and get on the stage

Nice.

Below the bars its hard to see, distorted views
Spittin truthful words, and tryin to invoke my muse

I don't know why. I really don't like the word muse.

Seein in the air smoke up, maybe filled with fumes?
But I see the darkness, approach this room

Visual imagery is great.

Taken over lyrics that are comin out of my mouth
Bringin the roof off and blowin up house

Nah.

Like a burnin cigar that just was never lit
Shit magical just like my victorious spits

Decent.

The sun always shinin when I come to the mic
Sittin back as my words start to come to light

Ok.

In a street fight, ya I've been plenty
Use to beat down on a kid named Alex Stenny

Hahaha.

But all of that ,is just a history of livin
Gettin the best out of the fuckin life that I was given

Right.

Reflections of the mind, always sparkin up thoughts
Closin my eyes man, I think I'm seein spots

That is what happens when you close your eyes.

And not dots man, these shits are so bright
Glowin words man, words comin to light

That was dope.

Glowin words, the light burnin in your eyes
The type of shit that made our people start to despise

Nope.

The inspiration that was given to, Virgin Mary
The inspiration that forced a culture that didn't vary

Hmm..That first line works for me.

The type of shit that made philosophers sit and wonder
The type of drug that forced the system to tear asunder

Alright.

Open your eyes man, you need to stop and see
This force of nature can flow through you and me


Alright.

----------------------------------------


Top Three Things I Liked.

1. Metaphors

2. Vocabulary

3. Visuals

Top Three Things I Didn't Like.

1. Simple Rhyme Scheme

2. Lack Of Wordplay

3. The Muse!


---------------------

Overall...

I thought this was pretty good man. You're obviously relatively new to rapping, but you have a poetic perspective that is refreshing. I suggest you leave comments on some more scriptures, if you expect to get much more feedback.

[The Gonz]

This was pretty good. The rhyme scheme started off nice, had a couple multies in there but based off the rest of the verse, they may have not been planned. You have your flow down pretty well though, which is more important than anything at this point. You can build your multies and vocab but having no flow is a horrible habit to break and is hard to teach. Had a good message and some insight, but fairly basic in terms of subject matter. I think you've got a lot of potential if you work on multies and rhyme schemes.