The Infa Red Beam

[zeezy316]

This is one of my old drops from datpiff lol just lookin 4 some feedback

hes gonna be fuckin dead-victim i can hear his sweat-drippin searchin for him while i pop the next-clip-in/
my presence is stress-given painting the streets with red-children got a 38 wit bullets to be left-in him/
his brain is planning on meeting-the-metal than he'll be meeting-the-devil no more cares or worries/
twisted thoughts in-my-mind h in-his-spine like letting the 38 hit-his-spine and seein him burried/
feeling like fuckin a pred-a-tor getting ready to for a job for the newspaper obituaries ed-i-tor/
searching these streets pac-ing i see my victim scared and hes rac-ing to his life im the cred-i-tor/
i cock back the hammer as the target's in sight its dark out but he'll soon reach the white light/
he hears me-comin his heart beat-thumpin in the streets-runnin afraid of the tragic end to this night/
i bust a warning-shot soon his street sha'll be a mourning-block for this who's man soon to be gone/
ppl scattering all the driving-stops he wishes he had osama's hiding-spot his name now a r.i.p song/
sprintin like a track-athlete he's prolly thinking will he catch-me so i speed um fire off one shot/
he slows down hits the corner i catch him put the heat to his face take his phone no callin the cops/
his face says it all the expression of a man in pain testin the weapon and my brain as if its inasne/
so he enters the car hands-tied any slight move the man-dies so just sit back cuz this is not a game/
we reach the destination preparing his ex-termi-nation taking his life my de-termi-nation overwhlems/
pistol-whip the little-prick duck tape him to the chair soon he'll be dead sent off to other realms/
he looks at me wondering what he's done my method is un heard off for he was the witness of my murder/
now i have to worry-if-he-snitches so i must burry-him-with-stitches and wrapped up like a burger/
i laugh wit sick fucking intentions in my head as a tear leaves his eye he knows his time is soon near/
hes finished his life basically diminished the time i could get tremendous so his screams no1 will hear/
i ask if he has any last regrets knowing his mouth is shut finally my payback nobody here to stop that/
i load every bullet in the clip slowly making him watch as he quivers hearing the thirty eight cock back/
he looks up to see a red beam facing his eyes preparing for his demise soon he'll be dead resting in hell/
the shot fires his brain hits the floor i step out the door sirens raging im caught now im resting in jail/
in a cell pacing shakin cold dark chilly sweatin just like my last victim this illusion is more optical/
as i sit here & dedictae my life to this correctional facility another victim to the infa-red chronicles/


the bars might be too long but at datpiff it was acceptable idk how ur gonna be about it on this site but lemmekno

[complexity]

This is one of my old drops from datpiff lol just lookin 4 some feedback

hes gonna be fuckin dead-victim i can hear his sweat-drippin searchin for him while i pop the next-clip-in/
my presence is stress-given painting the streets with red-children got a 38 wit bullets to be left-in him/
his brain is planning on meeting-the-metal than he'll be meeting-the-devil no more cares or worries/
twisted thoughts in-my-mind h in-his-spine like letting the 38 hit-his-spine and seein him burried/
feeling like fuckin a pred-a-tor getting ready to for a job for the newspaper obituaries ed-i-tor/
searching these streets pac-ing i see my victim scared and hes rac-ing to his life im the cred-i-tor/
i cock back the hammer as the target's in sight its dark out but he'll soon reach the white light/
he hears me-comin his heart beat-thumpin in the streets-runnin afraid of the tragic end to this night/
i bust a warning-shot soon his street sha'll be a mourning-block for this who's man soon to be gone/
ppl scattering all the driving-stops he wishes he had osama's hiding-spot his name now a r.i.p song/
sprintin like a track-athlete he's prolly thinking will he catch-me so i speed um fire off one shot/
he slows down hits the corner i catch him put the heat to his face take his phone no callin the cops/
his face says it all the expression of a man in pain testin the weapon and my brain as if its inasne/
so he enters the car hands-tied any slight move the man-dies so just sit back cuz this is not a game/
we reach the destination preparing his ex-termi-nation taking his life my de-termi-nation overwhlems/
pistol-whip the little-prick duck tape him to the chair soon he'll be dead sent off to other realms/
he looks at me wondering what he's done my method is un heard off for he was the witness of my murder/
now i have to worry-if-he-snitches so i must burry-him-with-stitches and wrapped up like a burger/
i laugh wit sick fucking intentions in my head as a tear leaves his eye he knows his time is soon near/
hes finished his life basically diminished the time i could get tremendous so his screams no1 will hear/
i ask if he has any last regrets knowing his mouth is shut finally my payback nobody here to stop that/
i load every bullet in the clip slowly making him watch as he quivers hearing the thirty eight cock back/
he looks up to see a red beam facing his eyes preparing for his demise soon he'll be dead resting in hell/
the shot fires his brain hits the floor i step out the door sirens raging im caught now im resting in jail/
in a cell pacing shakin cold dark chilly sweatin just like my last victim this illusion is more optical/
as i sit here & dedictae my life to this correctional facility another victim to the infa-red chronicles/


the bars might be too long but at datpiff it was acceptable idk how ur gonna be about it on this site but lemmekno

-- Thu Aug 13, 2009 1:21 pm --

uppin

Well, at Illest Lyrics, you will get some real feedback as well. The story was boring. You have decent imagery throughout the piece and I could see what was happening, it was just boring too the point that I didn't care. I think the story had enough twists, followed a decent sequence, and in general was ok for a storyline. The rhymes were just too natural, they all fell into line as expected, sometimes, that can be good, in this case, it made the drop bland.

"i ask if he has any last regrets knowing his mouth is shut finally my payback nobody here to stop that/
i load every bullet in the clip slowly making him watch as he quivers hearing the thirty eight cock back/"

See, I like that line, unfortunately, there was like 20 more exactly like it, in my opinion.

The length definitely hurt. I'm positive that you could have shortened them bars. The drop needed more metaphors as well.

You seem to have a good grasp of rhyming, others on the site may feel differently, I'm just giving you candid feedback. I will leave feedback on future pieces, its not like I am coming too bash you and leave. Keep dropping.

6/10

[zeezy316]

thanx for giving me real feedback ill be droppin more & ill start shortening my bars out

[The Gonz]

I agree with plex as well. The bars were painfully long. The multies were a bit basic in some parts and it would have benefited from internal multies as well. But first things first, shorten them bars up. The lines in this piece are seriously twice the length they need to be to have a smooth, steady flow. Some people think they can get away with stretched bars, but me personally cannot stand them. They say that you can sneak long bars in because this is text. I don't know why someone would want a different writing style for audio and text, so why not write like yer gonna spit it over a beat. Overall though, the story wasn't bad, had good progression and like plex said, the imagery was decent. Just work on them bar lengths.