How long will we last?

[$harky]

Whippin ass, smokin grass ,movin fast. I ask,
How long will a niggah last worshippin artifacs

I wanna survive eventhough I suffer.
might've already had my last supper.
Shudders and shakes, quakes in a bruther.
when lovers with mates go creepin to others,
and niggahs wit faith, become mad gunners.
when bitches get raped, and left in gutters
this is what makes me spit-in slow-mo like sputter
shit boy I'm lost in flow like i lost my rudder.
All these wannabe gangsters widespread like butter
these kids tryna batter bread with cheese cutters
ya aint fit for the job,but ya wanna be mob.
so you tryna rob, but you hold yo gun like a knob
tommorow yo heart wont throb,
and doc's ganna dawb yo bod with a swab,
yo poor moms racked in sobs.

Whippin ass, smokin grass ,movin fast. I ask,
How long will a niggah last worshippin artifacs

I know it's short but Please lemme know how to improve my shit.

[MOEstradamus]

Whippin ass, smokin grass ,movin fast. I ask,
How long will a niggah last worshippin artifacs

I wanna survive eventhough I suffer.
might've already had my last supper.
Shudders and shakes, quakes in a bruther.
when lovers with mates go creepin to others,
and niggahs wit faith, become mad gunners.
when bitches get raped, and left in gutters
this is what makes me spit-in slow-mo like sputter
shit boy I'm lost in flow like i lost my rudder.
All these wannabe gangsters widespread like butter
these kids tryna batter bread with cheese cutters
ya aint fit for the job,but ya wanna be mob.
so you tryna rob, but you hold yo gun like a knob
tommorow yo heart wont throb,
and doc's ganna dawb yo bod with a swab,
yo poor moms racked in sobs.

Whippin ass, smokin grass ,movin fast. I ask,
How long will a niggah last worshippin artifacs

I know it's short but Please lemme know how to improve my shit.

ok 1st off are you turning this into a song or is this just one of those freestyle things... first i felt the flow some of the words just seemed weak and forced i mean it went together but some of it went off topic a little but thats just to me.... try to expand your vocab a little bit it will help get more details into your rhymes and make it more interesting to read.... also if this is a song try and find a better and longer hook maybe even double it like say the same thing twice... anyway besides that it was a good drop hope it helped

[eMCee Havic]

you really need to improve how your lines flow, it was a dope concept i just felt you were hella off key and off topic for most of it. and rhyme scheme could of been a lot more well put together, but the more you work at it the better you get so keep droppin.

[$harky]

And I wrote it to The Watcher, by Dre.

Aight, shot guys. Keep it comin.
and MOE you pissin me of NyaggaH, not like I cant take your feed, just that I dont like it. Get me?

peace

Thanks defiance your feed does gimme sum advice and tell me how to change what I'm doin wrong

Peace out.

Still uppin for feed

-- Wed Jul 01, 2009 6:06 am --

uppin