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Self expression..

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dentuk
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Self expression..

Post by dentuk »

I need some feedback on this one, haven't been writing for long but would like to see what you guys think :)

deep in my train of thought
a warped image in my mind I let distort
through my upbringing, mannerisms were taught
now i've found my feet, past troubles and tragedies, weigh over my head to haunt
through this long lasting battle, i fought, and will continue to do so
changing faces arrange in my optical moving to and fro
hopping across these stepping stones, to danger were all prone but on we go,
aim for the right path, a vision of light, gives me best regards
to the people that mean most, for whom we place our trust in
im lost in my dreams, with no hope of escaping
so i fill my mental cage, to demonstrate, how im reaching a better place
to lyrically elevate, weed leaves me feeling divine in my element
the message that im preaching to many is relevant, an outlet helps to secure your agression
a form of self expression, to find heaven when hell beckens, teaching life's lessons through verses
remininissing through times, you've hit your peak and you've earnt it
spitting quick of the tounge; word perfect
alert and determined, the pain we deter it
eyes wide open for the snakes and the vermin
it just seems that they aint learning
think they're gaining respect, but they're embracing reject-ion
we all differ, through infinite degrees of seperation
send these words to the nation
a force that cannot be compared
for the truth we declare, hidden behind deceitful ways
then they expect us to give them praise and not protest
i guess it doesnt appeal to the public interest
change your perspective, build upon the collective
stand up for the cause no matter the insentive
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$harky
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Location: South Africa-Life's a Bitch...

Re: Self expression..

Post by $harky »

Ok then... The flow was way off, watch ya syllables the syllables determine the beats in da word. Work on ya flow(mine aint all that yet either) and try to stick to it.
Message was nice and the last bar really stood out, to me.
You have real potential, good vocab and understanding. Imagery was there in places but basically it wasnt that good.

Just keep working at it, FLOW! Let that word never be forgotten. it's important.

Yeah, keep at it.
peace out.
Someone could be dreaming up a thought of me having a thought, but only I know my thoughts. And for my thoughts, I don't know of any other thoughts from anyone else and if they even control their own.
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insTRUmental
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Re: Self expression..

Post by insTRUmental »

hard to follow a consistant rhyme scheme
but good content ..

maybe restructure into more consice stanzaz
and post as a poem
semoC yaW sihT dekciW gnihtmoS nehW redruM ydoolB

http://www.myspace.com/autonomoushiphop
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