School Shooting

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IntrinsicCadence
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School Shooting

Post by IntrinsicCadence »

My junior year in high school, there was a school shooting. 25 people were shot, two people died. The shooter had also killed his parents the night before. Crazy shit. I just wrote up something about my experience of the event.....

I hit the snooze button one too many times,
I was feelin' tired, too much trouble to arise,
but when I finally did throw water in my eyes
I was running late for my classes at Thurston High.
I was surprised when my mom offered me a ride,
but I knew that if I took my bike I wouldn't be on time,
so I replied that her kind offer would be fine.
As we arrived, the day seemed like any other might.
I headed inside, but stopped short as I hit the corridor,
the cafeteria doors swung open with a strong force,
and hundreds of my classmates suddenly poured forth.
Fear was plastered on the faces that emerged,
but I stood starin' vacant as their tears surged.
They raced past me, trippin' over every stride,
but I stayed standin' fortified, oblivious to why.
Then as quick as the wave of people had arrived,
in their panic they had vanished out of sight.
And yet I stood unmoving, diggin' through my mind,
but confusion and fright is all I seemed to find.
So I walked with a swift step to escape the unknown,
I floated down the empty hallways, feeling so alone.
Just then I hear my name called with a panic-stricken tone,
it chills me to the bone, but its a voice I trust and know.
It's my English teacher reachin' out to pull me in-side,
she slams the door behind me, shuts the blinds and hits the lights.
I look around and see about a dozen others, all cryin'.
I don't know what's goin' on, my mind is floatin' blind,
so I sit to catch my breath and let me thoughts collide.
I remain stuck in silence as the minutes fly by,
then I hear the radio relay the breaking news,
a school shooting has been reported, stay tuned.
I sorta already knew, but hearnin' it brought a fear anew,
cuz I don't know who got struck with the shells that flew.
It feels like we sit for hours, I'm feelin' devoured and blue,
then finally the PA system tells us we can leave if we choose.
We all walk out of the room, heavy hearts weighin' us down,
and as we exit the grounds, we see the masses surround,
hundreds of parents and news trucks from the world around.
My parents see me and run as their tears descend,
I hold em close, a frozen moment, I can breath again...
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Deception
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Re: School Shooting

Post by Deception »

wow this is some pretty deep work, i liked it tho, lots of emotion and imagery. quite simple rhyme scheme and wording. but with drops like this the emotion an imagery replace multis and structure.

Fear was plastered on the faces that emerged,
but I stood starin' vacant as their tears surged.
They raced past me, trippin' over every stride,
but I stayed standin' fortified, oblivious to why

i liked these two bars the best imo

but nice drop keep doing your thing

PS. could you return the favour on my drop. deception - Afterlife. thanks in advance
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IntrinsicCadence
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Re: School Shooting

Post by IntrinsicCadence »

Appreciate the feed D, I returned the feed over on your afterlife piece.
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Munteskue_lol
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..

Post by Munteskue_lol »

..
Last edited by Munteskue_lol on Wed Dec 15, 2010 4:39 am, edited 1 time in total.

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The Man
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Re: School Shooting

Post by The Man »

All I can say is bang bang!

The story was told well.

You well told the story.

Good job my friend.

- TMIMITW

Omnie
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Re: School Shooting

Post by Omnie »

"My parents see me and run as their tears descend,
I hold em close, a frozen moment, I can breath again..."

What a relief, huh???...

This is a good drop man. The imagery is intense and I can relate to how it feels to be in a situation like that. Flow wasn't perfect, I kinda lost it in a few lines, but it didn't really seem forced. I've read and heard a few of ur drops and I'm always impressed. I don't leave a lot of feedback but ur doing a good job man. Keep at it and I'll keep reading/listening to your shit...

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When Chuck Norris does a pushup, he isn't lifting himself up, he's pushing the Earth down!!!

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IntrinsicCadence
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Re: School Shooting

Post by IntrinsicCadence »

Appreciate the feed ya'll...
Last edited by IntrinsicCadence on Wed Dec 29, 2010 12:09 am, edited 1 time in total.
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Kuhlerblynd
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Re: School Shooting

Post by Kuhlerblynd »

This is a dope piece, no doubt about it. I see you continue to elevate with your pieces, and I like how your flow variates toward the feeling of the piece you are writing as well. The imagery is nicely done, and you dont lose sight of the topic at all. A little more wordplay involved is all I can say I would like to see, just because it makes a written even more complex to the reader. Also, this kinda gave me the feeling of how my day began when 9/11 happened, and easily helped me to relate to this. Nice drop fam. Keep them coming! One.
It's my English teacher reachin' out to pull me in-side,
she slams the door behind me, shuts the blinds and hits the lights.
I look around and see about a dozen others, all cryin'.
I don't know what's goin' on, my mind is floatin' blind,
so I sit to catch my breath and let me thoughts collide.
I remain stuck in silence as the minutes fly by,
--~Murk McNasty~--
Battle WRECKord 42-8
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IntrinsicCadence
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Re: School Shooting

Post by IntrinsicCadence »

Uppin this one for more feed...
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