Hip Hop Forum

i threw this together 2 nights ago. nothing special

i sit back as i am leaning in this chair//
wonderin if my blood turned black would u care//
my soul shatters like a mirror,into a million fuckin parts//
my goal seemed to be clearer but people just throw their darts//
into my heart, i choke on my own breath//
wishing for a faster painless death//
but the devil wont do no favors for angels//
thats why god looks at life from different angles//
he sees the shit that we do to be good//
he knows that we never ran any hood//
but we did what we had to do//
and i do it only for you//
when my heart seemed to skip a beat//
your the one who hit play than repeat//
the pump in my chest is for ever in debt//
to you and the best of bets//
that u went up against to make me me//
you dont understand but u were my key,see//
if it wasnt for you my demons would me on my shoulders//
and if my past kept shoving me id die before i got older//
and my fire would burn out turning my heart colder//
and instead of the whole world id have boulders//
on my back to carry everything with care//
but u were the only one that was there//
to save me from my drunken sickness//
a 5th of henessy and came out my wickedness//
i went crazy and said things i never meant to say//
but now u cured my heart beats each and every day//
i am thankful that god had put us together//
for now on its me and you vs the world forever//

http://www.illestlyrics.com/board/crazy ... t9620.html

ya reads more likea poem
but nice flow
a lot of meaning in this shit

to save me from my drunken sickness//
a 5th of henessy and came out my wickedness//
i went crazy and said things i never meant to say//
but now u cured my heart beats each and every day//
i am thankful that god had put us together//
for now on its me and you vs the world forever//

my fav bit^
nice shit 8.5/10
keep'em comin

thanks. i was gonna post it in DC's but i think it was more of a rap. but its a style i like...

but thanks for the feed uppin 4 more please

Yeah this is a dc,

The developement of the piece is vague because the atmosphere seemed suicidal and gloomy/religious in the opener and then it turns into some dedication piece halfway through...

The end rhymes choices for the piece is ok, and I like the way u attacked flow. Because Its easy to catch. Its just choppy on the topic, ur metas really through me off. Like the best of bets line was like...huh? But ur starting to get better with ur word choice man.

For the shit u put up this is above average. U might need to work on ur metaphors, or the punch/ add stronger more emotional or moving lines.

Keep it up tho

will do
thanks

pretty decent work right here i felt that the lines could have been put together more clearly and a better rhymescheme would have helped..the topic was straight for the most part

thanks

but like i said i just threw it together in like 10 minutes.

much appreciated