Hip Hop Forum

lil piece i made, leave some feed

some bitches say they like the rappin kind,rollin witta shotty
i just happen'ta rhyme a philosopher stuck in'a poets body
the mind of a child, the depths of a volcano mixed in one
estatic n wild yet i aim'ta blow it all just by twistin some
lines n bars, with a few thoughts and opinions stuck 2gether
brain clouder then a day in april but fuck the weather
im warpin the truth, with tracks and still preservin a spot
amongst the gods ,wonderin do i really deserve it or not?
after all im always buggin out tryna talk about slaughter
and how i was the one who taught jesus ta walk on water
oops, dont tell him i said that u can say i let that slip
am i goin 2 hell?fuck yea u can definetly bet that shit
enough with that shit tho i better get back on topic
cuz i can tell these critics are ready'ta wax and chop it
meanin my presense and how i try'ta display things
gotta keep writin and see what another day brings

some bitches say they like the rappin kind,rollin witta shotty
i just happen'ta rhyme a philosopher stuck in'a poets body
the mind of a child, the depths of a volcano mixed in one
estatic n wild yet i aim'ta blow it all just by twistin some
^^^ Strongest Area in ya Verse..

Dis wus Strait i Liked the Concept.. Multis Wus on Point
Executed Emotion well.. Keep Doin u

thanks 4 the feed so far

Word up. I notice, a steady incline in your vocabulary
and your sense of the rhyme scheme.
You seem to be getting more control of the flow and style.
Whereas you have always had a grasp of your own emotions
to put them in text. It's all coming together.

You're definitely transitioning into a piece of my style. Which, of course is
used by numerous rappers. And that's to use a lot of phrases/cliches, e.i. "the day brings", in your multis.
Something not many people on this site do. (He has used it in the past, but not to the level he does now)

estatic n wild yet i aim'ta blow it all just by twistin some----------
lines n bars-----, with a few thoughts and opinions stuck 2gether

Nice cliff hanger. Originated style from Rakim.

Overall, it was a solid piece, but I didn't like it to much. I just like deconstructing a lot
of positive things you do.

One negative that I will point out that made me not like this piece that much. Though
it had strong vocabulary in some spots. It also had a lot of 'small words' making it
very dirty.

"after all im always buggin out tryna talk about slaughter
and how i was the one who taught jesus ta walk on water
oops, dont tell him i said that u can say i let that slip
am i goin 2 hell?fuck yea u can definetly bet that shit "

Don't tell him, I said, you can say. Dude, that's like three sentences, and if it was read correctly instead of rapped, it would take a shit load of time. When rapped it would come off awkward with that setup. So fix that wording.

I'll leave you more feedback later. I don't want to bombard you with constructive criticism when you're doing so great in elevating.

thanks 4 the good feedback plex

Ur def steppin ur game up homie! i really liked this piece, the deepness, the concept and idea, the way u executed it.. how your style's developing, ur def goin somewhere man! this shit is good! keep it up!