Hip Hop Forum

hey. i've just started gettin into writing my own stuff. im tryna be different from what mainstream rap is all bout.

so here's my first song i guess. it aint the best. help me out.

[Verse 1]
All You Gotta Do is look out the window to see society's ills
baby pop this pill
baby stick it in your vein
baby just hold still
baby i'll sell this to ya, my stuff for real.
little homie dunno what he's takin
does it so his homies say he aint fakin
peer pressure got him sayin
"okay just this once"
sits in a circle, passes that blunt, gets high
stumbles home, brain is on auto-roam
walks aimlessly in the night
shootas mistake him, they got him in they sight
drive by next to him, roll that window down
gun goes bang bang, what a terrible sound
little homie falls grippin his chest, remember's this song
he know he aint gonna live that long
he stands up and mumbles silently to himself
"where did i go wrong?"

[Verse 2]
He Strikes her and hits her
baby boy crying in the corner
"mister, Mister please stop hitting my mom"
he can't hear him, the TV's on
Mom lies on the floor wishing he would go away
Baby boy lies with her and says
"it'll be okay,
mom it doesn't look like it but there'll be better days"
Baby boys older starts carryin a gun
shoots at people just to make em run
just for fun
the heat of the california sun
gets drunk one night
comes home gets in a fight
with his girl
he hits her and strikes her
her lil baby boy cryin in the corner
"mister, mister please stop hittin my mom,"
he can't hear him the TV's on
mommy lies on the floor wishing he would go away
her lil baby boy lies with her and says
it'll be okay, Mom there'll be better days
Boy looks at what he's done
He put's his gun to his head and says
"What have i become?"

(workin out a chrous)

hmm i read the first line and thought it was gonna be ill

was kinda disappointing flow was choppy and the rhyme/vocab was basic

work on making lines more consistent in length and more than 1 syllable rhyming

just sayin cuz this coould be so much better wouldnt worry about a chorus jus yet

the positive side you have some ok imagery and a good grasp of concept

keep droppin

Actually his flow makes sense if you read it. See...you're reading it from a texters standpoint...
the form in which it's written is more audio-like.

For example...when I started battling for the first time here I was reading other battles and see they would say
"ok...we're doing 8 bars a piece"
But then I go back and check on the battles and I'm like, wtf...they each wrote 16 lines. lol
Then Viral explained to me that in the written world of shit...8 bars is 16 lines...
where in the audio world...when we write 16 bars...it's 16 lines. Not 32. lol

Basically...people who are used to text format write alot differently than a format written with the intention of it being done on audio. His verse was written as it would be down on paper and mapped to do audio. Cuz when we write down some of those 1-2 syllable lines...thats how we break it down or distinguish it from the line that follows it because that means there's either a break in a certain word when it's being spit...or it needs to be read a certain way.

Good drop Slim...you write like an audio artist. lol

Hmm... lol.

I think, I follow you a little bit, us textcee's definitely write shit a little different.

"Me and 2Pac were soldiers of the same struggle
You lames should huddle, your teams shook y'all feel
the wrath of a killer, 'cause this is my football field
Throwin' passes from a barrel, shoulder pads, apparel"

Nas doesn't rhyme the last line of every 2 bars, (I think that's what you're trying to say while
we rhyme every line), and don't have to worry about being limited by breaks, etc.

Still not an excuse for writing really short simple bars. Sorry.

I don't listen to any emcee who uses one or two syllables.

"stumbles home, brain is on auto-roam"

You write like a beginner, which is fine.

I wasn't feeling the story much, (description was good) but I like your approach if you keep working on story telling, I can see you becoming pretty good.

i Thought This Drop Was Pretty Solid ..
Mos Deffo an audio artist ..
yo` approach is Great ..
U Juss Gotta Step Up On Creativity ..
Make Tha Rhyme Scheme More Complex ..
Tha Closers Were Tha Dopest Parts Of Both Drops ..
But Other Than That .. it`s a Solid Piece ..

i thought it sucked.. nah j/p lol.. it's a bit too basic for my taste but it wasn't bad at all.. i can see myself listening to this if u have it on audio...this is definitely audio material as far as i can see, u don't seem to need much help on it.. but if u wanna work on a more advanced flow or improve in general as far as writing goes.. i can put my 2 cents in whenever i'm around.. otherwise there's other ppl on the site that could help u out in all sorts of ways(no-homo)

the lyrical content...was basic...as stated above by many people..but dont take that into offence..u can always work on dat n im sure people would be willing to help you....id be willing...wenever im online n wat not.....i did enjoy the story behind it tho...specially the 2nd verse where it kinda full circles back to the same scenario wit a different point of view...i def got the audio stand point of it...i think itd sound dope on audio...but being read on the other hand is another story.....but keep it up man...id like to see more drops from ya

hey ya'll thanks for the feedback and the advice.
my mic recently broke and im lookin for a new one. so hopefully ya'll will be hearin my stuff on audio soon.

alright koo, hey is that u in the photo? lol kinda looked like jin.. but yea u know how that goes when it comes to races ( no matter wat race u r.. its always that "u all look the same" response lol)

LOL i hear ya man.
yeh thats me. ive been called "that guy from the noodle shop down the street"
but never jin. lol.

lmao from the noodle shop.. never heard that one before when it comes to asians(if that's wat u actually r lol.. i've been called chinese before..but i don't look n e thing like one so yea..

stay active with this shyt, in the future try writing less audio lyrics for the scriptures.. until u get a new mic or somethin then u don't even gotta bother with it.. just start droppin tracks, but till then it'd be koo to see where ur at with just writing on a random topic without making it for an audio or even to a beat just to avoid that audio style of writing

yeh aiight. i get what you mean. thanks alot ekoms for the feed in my other drop as well.
much is owed to ya. cant wait till i get my new mic -___-

ey if u need any tips or help with improving lyrically u can reach me on msn.. that's if u have one otherwise i guess i can pitch in here n there on the site

msn: [email protected]