Hip Hop Forum

It's time to get the scriptures section back up and runnin..


I told my friends I wanna escape from this world of perplexity
cause i never reach complexity even though i struggle my hardest
I was told being an artist is a privilage, but i can't see that
i can't be that role model u expect, ya'll better believe that
but i can leave that bad feeling behind to achieve something greater
I'll clean the entire scene like C4 attached to an exterminator
delete criminal records cause that don't mean shit when u spit
create bars that make president's resurrect, then I'll call u sick
cause what u did on the streets doesn't really matter to me
it's what's comin outta ya mouth that'll prove if u better then me
together with me ya'll gon sit down and let the truth come out
that's what the youth's dreamin about, standin in the booth and shout
we're loosin out on reality and stumble across a confusing mentality
tryin to understand why u choose insanity when it'll lead to fatality
tellin of calamity in humans is what'll make my salary reach madness
but doing something to my personality that just surrounds me with sadness

i like this it flowed nicely...
my favorite line was...
"I was told being an artist is a privilage, but i can't see that
i can't be that role model u expect, ya'll better believe that "
very true...

thanks man.. appreciate feedback..

and yeah, that line's the fuckin truth!

Nice written. I was a lil thrown in the beginning by the way you had it written for sum reason, but then I caught on and it went together pretty nicely. Stood on topic fairly well. Good drop man. Keep doin you.

Thanks for feedback..


Kurse is goin to have quite an opponent in the Audio section soon, I'm goin for the Heavyweight Title.. haha
'

Uppiiiin for feeeedbaaack suckas!

B-Bear wrote:I told my friends I wanna escape from this world of perplexity
cause i never reach complexity even though i struggle my hardest
I was told being an artist is a privilage, but i can't see that
i can't be that role model u expect, ya'll better believe that
but i can leave that...

I'm not feeling the first line with which you opened this piece. Aside from what was said, the whole "perplexity/complexity" rhyme feels tired. But as you continued, things got better and better. The flow was smooth and different, which made it refreshing.

...then you got here:

B-Bear wrote:...bad feeling behind to achieve something greater
I'll clean the entire scene like C4 attached to an exterminator
delete criminal records cause that don't mean shit when u spit
create bars that make president's resurrect, then I'll call u sick
cause what u did on the streets doesn't really matter to me
it's what's comin outta ya mouth that'll prove if u better then me
together with me ya'll gon sit down and let the truth come out
that's what the youth's dreamin about, standin in the booth and shout
we're loosin out...

Things got simplistic when you started talking about C4. Then, the last three or four lines picked up the slack. You went back to the same style of flow you started off with in the beginning.

...and then you ended with this:

B-Bear wrote:...on reality and stumble across a confusing mentality
tryin to understand why u choose insanity when it'll lead to fatality
tellin of calamity in humans is what'll make my salary reach madness
but doing something to my personality that just surrounds me with sadness

Just because a word ends in "-ality", doesn't mean it rhymes with every other word that ends in "-ality". Those parts really left a lot to be desired.

I liked the flow at certain points and the rhyme scheme was up and down. The topic is good, but I think there's a lot of room for improvement.

Thank u.. really appreciate u takin time to drop that type of detailed feedback!

B-Bear wrote:Thank u.. really appreciate u takin time to drop that type of detailed feedback!

No problem. I really appreciate reading something outside of the Puff Daddy club remix cookie cutter bullshit...

Yeah, that's really what I'm tryin to focus on writin..

But u mentioned the ality- endings.. the reason why i did that was basically that the piece is written to a beat, and i thought it sounded extremely well on audio, the flow.. cause i'm aware of the fact that some of them don't really rhyme, except the ending.. but a nice catch! I'll try and return the favour in a particular matter