Hip Hop Forum

Lawgix wrote:
come on down come one come all
their comin around the country comin to see you fall

^flow is nonexistant, structure throws it off, the way its worded sounds like something a carny announcer would say

their runnin people shunnin you out of their life
they see your bitch made all i see are future ex wives

^flow is better but drops off in the second line, future ex wives part doesn't make sense with the rest of it

thats right take one of ur guns n end it tonight
the feelin is right and i'm feelin like i might

^ wording is bad, and the repeating of feeling made it worse

come over to ur state on a midnight flight
cause the sight of me will leave u runnin cryin in fright

^structure is bad, this bar was alright it was real basic though

the bell tolls to mark the death
of a punk who left a bad image of himself so rest

^structure is bad, image of himself so rest is choppy, needs re-worded

in peices i'm takin ur words n makin u eat them
like reeces peices u will not be breathin

^ repeating the same word in a bar isn't real creative unless its a pun

cause i'll stuff em in ur mouth like u packed my head with lies
ur the only guy who never tried to get a fuckin alliby

^ decent, the like isn't neccessary in the first line

to back up anything u rattled off ur rappins soft
i'll smash it all like u do jackin off i'll fracture ur jaw

^ basic, fracture ur jaw doesn't match syllables with the rest, the like you do jacking off similie was weak

smackin u all u ain't shit so keep backin on off
i'll place you bitches in the ground attic n loft

^backing on off doesn't sound right, other than that its decent

i'm addict for static my mouths a gun thats firin off
pissin u off ur mis-aimin at me so now ur ticked off

^ rhyming the same word doesn't show much creativity, 2nd bar needs re-worded

am i right or wrong u couldn't hit the broad side of a barn
but it really depends on which side of the gun smoke ur on

^ second line was cool, first line doesn't transition well

cause i'll be on the side of ur termination
no hesitation from me ur annaihalation's just dedication

^ choppy, it was decent though

see what ur facin ur own different creation
from what i've heard so far ur just so basic

^2nd line has no relevance to the first and don't transition well

i'll leave u wasted n give u a face lift
so don't face this i'll fuck up ur appearence after my fists hit u

^don't rhyme, choppy structure and flow