Hip Hop Forum

I think I'm gonna rewrite this piece with more creative vocab sum day cus I like the story, so this is sort of a simplified version. Leave sum feed though..

There's a flood of blood in the green operating room
An old woman on the table, still wearing shoes
Surgeons running around, dressed in green gowns
And the ECG-monitor is screaming out loud

I'm sitting in the corridor, surgeons scream: "Clear!"
The sound of the electric shock spears my ears
I close them with my shaking hands, I don't wanna hear
I haven't felt this kinda fear in years, and the tears
that I've shed today have been black and bloody
And my Mom use to say that I'm so pretty and ruddy

And now she's lying there, bleeding all over the floor
While the culprit is sitting right behind the door
And only because I need to get my fucking revenge
Just to be the witness to see where it ends
It was a senseless attack and I knew it as well
But I was too proud to bury the beef by myself
And when I saw them, my gun released my rage
Then it was too late, I shot my own mama in the face
One fucking straybullet ruined the whole day

She was almost dead when the ambulance arrived
I fucked it all up just to win one strife
And now I heard when the final shock cleaved the air
I lowed my head and crossed my hands for prayer

One surgeon came out, wearing bloody rubber gloves
He was quiet, I knew Mom had moved on
I couldn't watch him and I didn't even want to know
So I got up and ran out of the green door

I ran out of the hospital without looking back
I couldn't even breath freely I was so mad
at myself that I didn't realize I stood on the road
Screaming myself that how the fuck I'd cope
I turned around and a bumper crashed my face
Mother, guess yer going to the better place...

thats a deep, and dope ass story, the rhyming was straight, but the flow and the details in the story was dope as fuck i like it, keep it up...

aright so i was feelin this, kinda had a plot twist in it which was dope, as a poem ill rate this well,

but i always like to give a lil negative to help improvement, so id suggest like you said work on the vocab, more edjectives to add more depth, and more comparisons or "similies" would make this dope, you can find the deffinition here, loved the feeling put into it but just be more descriptive bro

not bro fella, sis thanks for tha feed fellas, much appreciated

upping for more!

that was all scary and stuff, very good imagery.. i could see the story forming, ur very good at this keep it up!!

thank you looking good, upping for more feedback ppl!

And when I saw them, my gun released my rage
Then it was too late, I shot my own mama in the face

i kinda laughed when i read that part cuz i can picture myself doin that..lmfaoo..but naw it was nice tho...keep it up

heh yeah a lil bit of black humor doesn't kill ya thanks for tha feed

upping!

this was crazy and really fucken good, the story was straight...hawt drop - i wanna see more!

thank you thank you, your feed's much apprciated

upping for more feedback ppl!

still uppin..

well i have one word... DAMN... deep as hell... great story line... very well thought out... the story goes great... i'd love to see more of this... good job 9/10 thats what i give it

Yea it was a great story..twist at the end got me..
9/10

Nice story man. Very creative.

wow thanks for tha positive feed everybody, much much appreciated