Hip Hop Forum

Old poem of mine, give me sum feed if ya like

Such amazing couple, pure young hearts full of love
Telling to each other "Even death won't do us apart"
They were different, just like night and day
Other one was pitch black and other one was pale
They had different minds, but they were both candid
She was kind-hearted and he was sarcastic
He was the dimness and she was the brightness
Her eyes were lively and his eyes were lifeless
She laughed a lot and it sounded like a fountain
He was grave and his laugh sounded like a violent hail
When she walked, grass was green and water shined like diamonds
When he walked, he defamed everything and made it crass and violent
Where she went, there was joy, happiness and love
Where he went, there was greed, wickedness and grudge
When she talked, she gave comfort instead of grief
When he talked, he created jealousy and deceits
But when they meet, it's not lust, it's pure love and longing
The beautiful combination of the rough evening and the soft morning

this was pretty good man... i'd give it a 7/10 the lines i liked were as follows...

He was the dimness and she was the brightness
Her eyes were lively and his eyes were lifeless

and

Where she went, there was joy, happiness and love
Where he went, there was greed, wickedness and grudge
When she talked, she gave comfort instead of grief
When he talked, he created jealousy and deceits

overall it was pretty good... keep the lyrical part in it tho... could've gotten a lil deeper on how they met or somethin but it was a good story... i enjoyed it... keep it up!

Yoo ... This Was A Dope Piece Word U Came nice
in it Emotion brought Didnt Fall Off To Me ...

Noticed Linez : When she walked, grass was green and water shined like diamonds
When he walked, he defamed everything and made it crass and violent

But when they meet, it's not lust, it's pure love and longing
The beautiful combination of the rough evening and the soft morning

okay I'll work with my emotion part thanks for the feedback fellas!

upping fo more feed y'all!

Damn ma u came Deep wit this didnt lose ma self readin it i acually enjoyed readin it

i liked these lines:Where she went, there was joy, happiness and love
Where he went, there was greed, wickedness and grudge
When she talked, she gave comfort instead of grief
When he talked, he created jealousy and deceits

thank you for tha feed sis looking good!

upping for more feed y'all!