Hip Hop Forum

lil verse i made...leave feed my link is at the bottom...

it was the day before christmas,and this kid cant get a thing
his parents broke,so he trys to just spit or sing
hoping someone,somewhere will feel his pain
this shits all too real,and inshame
he puts his head down,trying to conceal and be tame
about the situation,but he's becoming unreal and insane
shoutin and screamin,poutin and feinin
4 a real christmas in his house,but he's dreamin
scared n cryin he tried hard but he's impaired and lyin
all alone on the floor with some paper and a pencil
tears smudgin his writin,tryna make her see thru the stencil
of life,that's been traced 4 him,but now he's incased in sin
dated back,when he was born tryna face poverty and win
but his parents work too hard,and are never home
so he whispers to himself,''im stuck forever in this zone ''
the tears are still free fallin,his friends help but he's callin
for somethin more then,justa 'i know you miss this but hey'
no one understands that he was the only kid
without anything,on a snowy, bright christmas day....

and my feed is below -1-

http://illestlyrics.com/board/live-in-t ... t2656.html

Good Shit .. People Can Relate 2 It N Da Structure Is Crack How It All Goes Togetha Da Way It Doez ... ITs Deep No Doubt Nice Shit Keep It Up `1

thanx uppin...-1-

LoL Yeah Nice Verse. Good Flow All Through n Nice Multis And u Hit The Topic Well. Kinda Like 'All i Need is 1 Mic' Lol But With a Pen n a Pad instead

ahhaa yee lol....i aint think of it that way but ye..thanx -1-

I liked the concept more then the writing and the emotion more then the writing.

Your "multis" were all over the place. Which hurts the flow.

It was a good story though and it got across the point well. So it was well worth the read.

8.1/10

ty i tried...lol....-1-

thanx

pretty decent topic, story and lyrics...i think it was the 4th line u said inshame...is that a word..but yea i can sort of relate, had some deep thoughts and creativity as well keep it up and return the favor.

ye homie i meant and he puts his head down In shame i no? but i didnt notice i like mushed it 2getha lol but ye illl peep urs n thanx 4 all the feed from er body -1-