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resent-first-verse-vt25909.html#p192366


I wrote this loosely to the Bet I beat (the song by B.O.B.).

My timescapes altered
Landscape faltered
Never was a halt heard
And those were just the small words
I'm embezzling your disgruntled mental faculties
The mezzanine was fumbled so down comes the factories
It's a terracotta jungle
I thought I heard you mumble
But it was just a drum roll
So watch where you tumble
Teeter totter spick and span, meter dropper thats the plan
Off the roof when you coulda ran, the gusting wind your only fan
And working through your minds like, combing a safari
Yours is so perverse well, mine is straight bizarre, see?
A czar with the bars embarked flaws to mars
A star with some scars that impress like Renoir's
And I mold your foul fate, toss to heathens in the lake
Grendel hasn't ate, and I've set you with a date
Check the soundscape, did you catch all of the undertones?
I hear you think I'm mad well welcome to the thunderdome
Its a battle to the death like an underdose on breath
Or a race to the end, cause thats way too much meth
Hey, what's this, found myself in the air
Wait, where are you, oh, way down there
I couldn't really give a care, floating with the breeze
But the joy I'm exuding just brings you to your knees
Whassamatter man? Stuck on insecurities?
I know it ain't just cause you got some hidden fear of me
See, here I go, I'm gettin' carried away
Your ears are so battered I could mold them like clay
Changing your receptors to alter your perceptions
Maybe if I reconstruct i'll clear you of deceptions
But I'll stop right here 'cause I think you've had enough
But please come again if you still think you're rough

Well I just listened to the beat, and that verse you wrote seems to have a pretty fast cadence to it. I would love to hear you spit it, because for the most part everything you said sounds pretty dope in my head. I love your vocabulary and the delivery was great too. I just think that some lines would flow better if you took out those tiny unnecessary words. Like so, the, you, your, and etc. They tend to tamper with your flow to me because they always get caught up in between lines. It may just be me though, another reader may think differently, but other than that I thought it was dope. So keep it up!!!

I like this. You have some good imagery going on with a lot of your lines, but constructive criticism: don't get lazy and give up on bars. think of metaphors and more complex rhymes till you're displaying all of the elements: wordplay, metaphors, multiple rhyme schemes, flow, etc.

Overall good piece, though. Keep it up!