Hip Hop Forum

**Fixed the "she" issues**
She got herself pregnant from a kid on up the block
he ran off, guess he only knows how to use his cock
ponders abortion as she dodges pebbles an rocks
wants to be a strong women, but can she afford the cost?
only 16 in high school, she doesn't know what to do
they say you never see your path till its in front of you
5 months pass and her belly is getting bigger an bigger
quit smoking but not drinking cuz liquor is quicker
had a routine check up, the physician reported news aridly
told her that her babies under grown and looking terribly
couldn't bare to breathe the guilt consumed her
her baby has Fetal alcohol syndrome she ruined her
took away its chances before it escaped the womb
she picked the song but she failed to play the tune
felt unbreakable til the kicks got weaker and weaker
doctors looking skeptical, will she be able to keep her?
6 months turned 7 she's fearful and bleeding frequently
dreaming of trouble and covers her belly instinctively
she thinks shell be fine, lying, to herself on the daily
was hard on her body, reflecting hard on the baby
9 months hit and the baby was getting ready to go
her water broke and she tried hard to steady the flow
her moms got into the car and put the peddle to the floor
they drove fast all the way to those hospital doors
she spent 12 hours in labor breathing was laborious
didnt want the pain, but still it felt like paper cuts
the epideral didn't do much to kill and numb the pain
a 7 ounce baby girl came and for a name they named her Rain
lil Rain was malnourish, smothered and underweight
A product of alcohol and a mother thats underaged
young an underpaid just trying to raise a daughter
with out a father and medical bills falling like water.
she's got a young child, with herself being a child still
and lil Rain's got to fight her whole life with mild pills
no more wild thrills the broken condom created life
this story isn't unique its another page in the story of life

Nice. This is art right here. But like Al said there's a lot of "she". Try cuttin it down like "she dreams of trouble.." to "Dreaming of trouble.." Other than that nice rhymes and good flow.

this is cool but you can do way better

1st although touching on a very deep issue i dont feel like i know this young lady, no name no age no emotion at all really i dont think im sure how "she" felt or if "she" has any feelings was "she" happy to have rain which btw was a good attempt at introducing us to a new character so......
2nd there should be a reason the babies name is rain there are lots of lines but no back story perhaps "she" conceived rain on a rainy day or her baby daddy left her in the rain or she was born during a storm
3rd ok at first i was certain she was of age 'specially considering a consistent drinking habit and the seemingly adult decision to get knocked up thats why you need the back story i mean seriously up until you mentioned her mom taking her to the hospital it hadnt really donned on me that she may be young then you confirmed later which coulda been cool as a twist but wasnt done as well as i know you are capable of
4th you should have mentioned how the mom felt about the situation or left her out all together

ok here are a few suggestions maybe she was raped and thats why she had thoughts of abortion or maybe that was why she began drinking yeah bad thought but if you are going for strike a nerve lyrics then by all means ya dig,
if i was watching this in a theatre i woulda been pissed at the ending now if you wanted us the reader to be happy the baby survived then you need to make it seem that it wont and you did a fairly good job at this on issue is you didnt celebrate the babies life so in my opinion cps shoulda came and took the babe since we are keeping it real i feel like you didnt finish the story

not hating Def the piece is cool but like i said you can do better just try to think through details and try to build a relationship with the character and readers also look for commonalities that we all as human beings can relate to

keep droppin bro stay busy

-- Mon Jan 09, 2012 4:23 pm --

i like it my dude deep

She got herself pregnant from a kid on up the block
he ran off, guess he only knows how to use his cock

Lmao sad and funny truth to start it off

ponders abortion as she dodges pebbles an rocks
wants to be a strong women, but can she afford the cost?

Nice

only 16 in high school, she doesn't know what to do
they say you never see your path till its in front of you

staying consistent

5 months pass and her belly is getting bigger an bigger
quit smoking but not drinking cuz liquor is quicker

Reminding me off brenda's baby in a way so far.

had a routine check up, the physician reported news aridly
told her that her babies under grown and looking terribly

sad fact of life.

couldn't bare to breathe the guilt consumed her
her baby has Fetal alcohol syndrome she ruined her

again sad fact of life, put into story form

took away its chances before it escaped the womb
she picked the song but she failed to play the tune

this is cool

felt unbreakable til the kicks got weaker and weaker
doctors looking skeptical, will she be able to keep her?

I wonder

6 months turned 7 she's fearful and bleeding frequently
dreaming of trouble and covers her belly instinctively

cool bar

she thinks shell be fine, lying, to herself on the daily
was hard on her body, reflecting hard on the baby

Word.. consistency a factor

9 months hit and the baby was getting ready to go
her water broke and she tried hard to steady the flow

this was cool

her moms got into the car and put the peddle to the floor
they drove fast all the way to those hospital doors

Picture in my mind

she spent 12 hours in labor breathing was laborious
didnt want the pain, but still it felt like paper cuts

Image in my mind

the epideral didn't do much to kill and numb the pain
a 7 ounce baby girl came and for a name they named her Rain
lil Rain was malnourish, smothered and underweight
A product of alcohol and a mother thats underaged

Alcoholic mother that's under aged, I like this though


young an underpaid just trying to raise a daughter
with out a father and medical bills falling like water.

this is cool

she's got a young child, with herself being a child still
and lil Rain's got to fight her whole life with mild pills
no more wild thrills the broken condom created life
this story isn't unique its another page in the story of life

Good way to end it ..

Your Story telling ability was on point Defiance,
The Picture was clear, a whole lot of sad truth mixed with multi's
and a story to tell. This was Nice.. you're keeping it Consistent
Keep it Up.

I like it, it has that J. Cole kinda spin on it. But I agree that you should use she less, you could give her a name maybe.

This was a pretty cool concept I like the idea behind it
the usage of water the way you brought it full circle was nice
starting the way it did and ending the way it did, it was cool
the flow got iffy at times but it still seems like a flawless piece..nice drop my dude

Yo, I can relate to this piece.
It really hits home for me mang.
Can picture it over some southern beats with a nice cello mix.
Two thumbs up.