Hip Hop Forum

once more... let me take you through a story of life
a man alone with his kids with death for a wife
alone in their strife, he trys to put meals on the table
Trying to carry the burden but the wheels were unstable
he feels weak and unable, to keep his charade face up
got a girlfriend once but they were bound to break up
cuz he screams and breaks stuff, as his kids cry to sleep
he acts violently, but he too cries inside silent-ly
like god you lied to me, with the vow, to have and to hold
damaged his soul and heart, he can't bandage the hole
he feels famished and cold, neglecting his children
revealing a shallow man going from a hero to villain
the game is tilting now social services formed an investigation
success is vacant he's suicidal waiting for the stress to take him
he's pressed impatient no money and he just got laid off
and if hard works pays off than hes gonna stay soft
he can't count on nobody to save him or his son and daughter
Bills are piling up, and they just turned off the hot water
a lost father.. just trying to survive an make ends meet
he gets no sleep, doesn't eat, cuz its hard to swim with cold feet
no peace, as he applies to every job on the market
a walking target as the strong scratch and pick at his carcus
but still he tries for his kids and the memory of his wife
this story isn't unique, just another page in the story of life

wow this gave me chills very emotional and unique!

"he feels weak and unable, to keep his charade face up
got a girlfriend once but they were bound to break up
cuz he screams and breaks stuff, as his kids cry to sleep
he acts violently, but he too cries inside silent-ly "

^^^ very nice

"he feels famished and cold, neglecting his children
revealing a shallow man going from a hero to villain "

^^^great
"he can't count on nobody to save him or his son and daughter
Bills are piling up, and they just turned off the hot water
a lost father.. just trying to survive an make ends meet
he gets no sleep, doesn't eat, cuz its hard to swim with cold feet "

^^^ very emotional

i loved this, this is something a lot of ppl go through it made me feel as if i were in ur shoes thru out the whole thing, gace me chills very powerful words, nice flow, vocab and multis!

i really loved this piece great job!

This is nice man. You were consistent all-round. The multis were nice, although they weren't excatly rhyming, the flow was good .. didnt need to force any of it. But there were some rhymes as well as multis that were kinda choppy e.g children/villain But I might be asking for too much. I liked the topic you chose and how you protrayed it, so all in all I feel you fulfilled the purpose of the verse very nicely. A good job indeed, keep it up.

wow bro your topical writing skills are ever evolving..
alot of emotion in this one foer sure..i really liked the flo and scheme to it..it was pretty much flawless..
a couple of lines had me goin bruh..
he feels famished and cold, neglecting his children
revealing a shallow man going from a hero to villain
the game is tilting now social services formed an investigation
success is vacant he's suicidal waiting for the stress to take him
^^^^^
good shyt....


your closer was the the finishing move needed tho to bring it all to perspective for the reader...

no peace, as he applies to every job on the market
a walking target as the strong scratch and pick at his carcus
but still he tries for his kids and the memory of his wife
this story isn't unique, just another page in the story of life
^^^^
WOW bruh ...Nuff Said.

thanks for the solid feed

This was another nice piece from you my dude, I'm really feeling this piece though
I always liked story pieces, sometimes people really can't follow through with their ideas though
you kept a nice product right here though, your word usage is still improving
the vivid details you add to this really make it worth while too..
a lot of it justifying the actions of the character too, very emotional
a nice piece my dude..keep it up

Upping this beastrill

once more... let me take you through a story of life
a man alone with his kids with death for a wife
alone in their strife, he trys to put meals on the table
Trying to carry the burden but the wheels were unstable

Deep...

he feels weak and unable, to keep his charade face up
got a girlfriend once but they were bound to break up
cuz he screams and breaks stuff, as his kids cry to sleep
he acts violently, but he too cries inside silent-ly

Damn.. deep.. written nicely 2. real

like god you lied to me, with the vow, to have and to hold
damaged his soul and heart, he can't bandage the hole
he feels famished and cold, neglecting his children
revealing a shallow man going from a hero to villain

multi's have been on point since the start of the verse
keeping on topic, and I know what you mean

the game is tilting now social services formed an investigation
success is vacant he's suicidal waiting for the stress to take him

best bar so far.

he's pressed impatient no money and he just got laid off
and if hard works pays off than hes gonna stay soft
he can't count on nobody to save him or his son and daughter
Bills are piling up, and they just turned off the hot water

the picture is painted, it's just so easy to relate 2..
I think you could of stayed away from "stay soft"

a lost father.. just trying to survive an make ends meet
he gets no sleep, doesn't eat, cuz its hard to swim with cold feet
no peace, as he applies to every job on the market
a walking target as the strong scratch and pick at his carcus
but still he tries for his kids and the memory of his wife
this story isn't unique, just another page in the story of life

damn, Nice ending man. this was put together nicely..
multis.. meaning.. direction.. flow.. realness, deepness

Good shit man, Keep it up