Hip Hop Forum

I wait for the day my personalities split,
since there's only so much I can take of your shit.
You're likely to scream when you look and see
what's always been hidden inside of me.
A part, stayed hidden, so sick and twisted.
The part that's driven me nuts, so distant.
The very same thing that haunts my daydreams,
Fills them with violence, bloodlust and screams.
One day will rise up, take control of me.
Become a part of this reality,

When that happens, I feel sorry for you,
Cause there's nothing you'll be able to do
to stop me from reaching for that dull knife.
To stop me from loving taking your life.
And then I'll smile, covered in blood and gore,
Laughing at you as I walk out the door.
I told you, I warned you, you should've run,
You didn't, you couldn't, so I had my fun.
Now you lay there with the gouge bleeding out,
Slit ear to ear, through the gasps, you can't shout.
Focus on something to ignore the pain,
watch the last of your blood drain from exposed veins,

Your breathing is getting shallow and slowing,
your vision dimming as the blood stops flowing.
Laying in the flood, a pool of your own blood, dead,
All this due to something your ass shouldn't have said.



SO, we all know how I tend not to rhyme when I write. This is me giving that a shot lol.

[ Post made via Android ]

ok i aint bein a prick but i didnt like how you used hidden twice within two bars... you need to switch up the vocab abit also the rhymes were very basic one or two syllables only, try to make the rhyume sheme more complex an use inners aswell... im judging this as if it was a written drop not poetry.


overall very simple an weak rhymes but good content an story telling abilities keep postin like this glam i prefer it when your lines rhyme.
X

I have to agree.

Compared to your other pieces, this was weak.
I liked how you stepped out of your element, though.
As most people are scared to try something new..

The story was cool, as I really love blood & gore.
But, I would have loved to see more deep, descriptions.

Laying in the flood, a pool of your own blood, dead,
All this due to something your ass shouldn't have said.

To me. The ending line sounds kind of out of place.

Overall. Decent piece,
But I definitely prefer your original style!

Props. <3

You and me both lol. I find rhyming pieces to be far too constricting. Thanks for the feed, kids!

[ Post made via Android ]

Props for stepping out of your comfort zone. I think the key to rhyming is expanding your vocabulary as much as possible. Obviously, it is a restriction by definition but when you have a lot of words to choose from I think you'll find there is almost always a way to rhyme while maintaining the integrity of the message. Anyway, I almost always use a thesaurus when I'm writing. It comes in very handy.

gave me chills, but i think we all have felt that way from time to time, couldnt have said it better myself when i have felt that lol and im a girl. nice vocab, flow n imagery

loved this:

I told you, I warned you, you should've run,
You didn't, you couldn't, so I had my fun.
Now you lay there with the gouge bleeding out,
Slit ear to ear, through the gasps, you can't shout.