Hip Hop Forum

This is a story about stick up kids and the victims. Ill mark whether the victims talking or the kid.

S: I just don't have it, so im slicing your jugular,

a weakness to all, whether skinny or muscular,

food and supplies, quickly, i got to be depriving,

but also coniving, just to ensure your not not surviving,

V: reality, it seems to be sour, much like a grapefruit,

thats why there coming up fast to take loot,

now we're paranoid, they can't seem to leave our backs alone,

when there's trouble, we make noise like a saxophone,

S: the best part's when I see them start to scamper,

their lucky, at they have someone that can pamper,

but I don't, so I'm befriending rage,

like a mage I stick the blade between your ribs and unlock the cage,

now your losing bladder, theres blood splatter,

all over the pavement, but it doesn't matter,

Im starting to get excited as I spread your essence,

presents to 5-0 from those that dont't learn their lessons,

the block isn't hot, so try to get ready to fry,

I don't how big you are, your not too heavy to die!

V2: when its about to happen, its like I have womens intuition,

I can just feel that I'm about to lose fruition,

I get the urge to make a stand, but I'm too scared,

right when I'm turning around, my mobility's impaired,

I've already thought of trying to use a disguise,

but he'd see right through it, I can tell by his eyes,

this is partly because of hard-rock emcees,

now kids are going outside to cock and squeeze.



Beat is title track from biggie's Ready to Die.

My reviews of other posts
http://www.illestlyrics.com/board/stori ... 23907.html
http://www.illestlyrics.com/board/my-th ... 23926.html

Feedback is appreciated.

I thought the lines you used for the stick up kid(s) were the best, as they moved along at a good speed. You could add a few words here and there to help even your lines, and thus make your flow less choppy.

What kinda confused me is the secnd stick up kid(s) verse you said something about stabbing the victim and stuff, but then on the second victim's verse, it didnt seem like he was hurt at all. Something was missing there, or somehow you need to re-work how you have it delivered because it just seems to me likeyour timeline is off somehow.

Otherwise, I really like the idea you have here, and I think you could do alot more with it. I suggest taking what you have here, reading it, re-writing it, reading it again, then re-writing it again, then see how satisfied YOU are with the piece. Keep writing!

My bad, i didnt explain that there are multiple victims who are all being attacked/ stuck by the same person. The second victim's verse happens after the first victim's.

Yeaah this is more like it, story tracks always catch my attention. The stick up kids lines are real dope I like em alot. The victim lines are good too, the 2nd one you can def relate to em if u ever been robbed. This is a pretty original drop I never heard anything on this kind of topic in a while.
Keep writing bro! Then get a mic i wanna hear some tracks!

I love the concept, I just think your structure/flow needs a little work. But Im with them. Keep writing.

[ Post made via Android ]