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End Of The Ride

Posted: Wed Aug 17, 2011 1:34 pm
by MonuMental
Out of the void, perfectly blind,
Glimmering lights afloat in my eyes,
How to avoid, Breaking my mind,
Simmering steel, smoking behind,
Choking replies, fade into cries,
My body expelled, life on the line,
Memory black, purpose declined,
I'm caught in a hell nothing describes,
End of a ride, looking for signs,
caught unaware, my fate is resigned,
Face isn't there, faith in a bind,
Brace for the crash, stranger to time,
Look to the side, what do I find,
An innocent hand something like mine,
Gripping a bear, missing an eye,
Matted with blood, two intertwined,
Someone and I, created this gift,
Dying in pain, fighting to live,
Covered in stains, quivering lips,
My baby is hurt, the outlook is grim,
The margin is slim for miracle whims,
Vision is blurred, hard to take in,
I roll on my back, welcoming glass
Into my skin, smothered in gas,
I try to raise up, cough on the blood,
Drowning me slow, trickling flood,
Missing my legs and half of my guts,
Scattered around, thoroughly crushed,
No one for miles back in the woods,
Where is my wife, maybe she's good,
Maybe unharmed, that would be fine,
Maybe they both have a chance to survive,
At about thirty feet I see flesh in a heap,
Cranium crushed, a jumble of teeth,
Jagged with bones, splintered debris,
Once was my love and now is deceased,
Before I can mope, I look in the smoke,
See angels holding both of their souls,
Now I grow close to finding some hope,
I can go with and carry them both,
Then they ascend, I'm left behind,
Lying in wreckage, hoping to die,
Now on my way to follow my bride,
I start to descend instead of to rise,
Satan now flies singing my woes,
Hand on my heart, teeth in my throat,
Right from the start, evil I chose,
Keeping the keys and taking this road,
Before we got in, She wanted to drive,
But she was denied, along with her vibe,
My truth was lies, my fault I know,
Drowning us all in bourbon and coke.
**I wrote this because it speaks on a disease running rampant in our society today: Drunk driving. It takes lives for no reason, and has personally affected myself and innumerable others. If you don't agree with the views I've expressed, or wish to spew disrespect, don't comment here, because your feed isn't wanted or needed. All other criticism is welcome. I hope you've enjoyed the read.

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Re: End Of The Ride

Posted: Wed Aug 17, 2011 1:43 pm
by Ambiguous Realm
deep shit, i like the [1-2-3-4,4-3-2-1] rhyme scheme, or so that's how it came off to me, like a subtle yet quick drum beat, details were good as well and helped the imagery come together, i can definitely relate in the sense of the car crash, never encountered drunk driving though but a good read this was for sure

Re: End Of The Ride

Posted: Thu Aug 18, 2011 6:05 am
by mOsArt
Yeh the Flow was a like a South type flow but you have some nice lyrics..

and it was a Catchy flow at that don't get me wrong...
It was cool easily to read into it as well...The Entire Verse was smooth kid..Keep it up

Re: End Of The Ride

Posted: Thu Aug 18, 2011 6:27 am
by pablo1212
I like how you kept the bars short and this also had a really nice flow to it ... overall I thought the whole piece was pretty dope , with a uniqye concept ... keep dropping man

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Re: End Of The Ride

Posted: Thu Aug 18, 2011 9:17 am
by Arvincible
dope piece broo!!

im diggin the style, very descriptive and strong packed in short breaths and rhythm.. i felt like i was there.. very good story telling dude.

you can go on forever in this style. but im glad you didnt over do it. good stuff good stuff

DO NOT DRINK AND DRIVE HWAHAHAHAHA

Re: End Of The Ride

Posted: Thu Sep 01, 2011 1:21 pm
by Borat
wow! you paint a picture soo well! none of this seems forced to me at all, the visions I caught reading this blew me away, I can definitaly say you are one of my favorite writers on the site man, I really have nothing bad to say I found this beautiful, it's just clean man! good shit mate, don't ever stop writing.

Re: End Of The Ride

Posted: Fri Sep 02, 2011 2:36 am
by Defiance
monumental youz my main man.. man

loved this little gem..

you are a bad ASS!! lol... nah on the real like the short structuring for reasons of flow.. southern style.. wasn't over complicated.. keep writing man cause i aint got the time to do it myself right now