Hip Hop Forum

Posted: **Wed Aug 17, 2011 1:25 pm**

Proverb posted in the wrong section under cee4's classic written so i am simply copying and pasting instead of making a topic and moving it...

Proverb wrote-

Baptized in blood of gods dead son/
Red rum injecting the venom of scorpions/
Kervorkian is where i get my meds from/
We off the radar like government moles/
like a black hole absorbing massive souls/
I was the shadowy figure in the grassy knoll/
Call me your Majesty, You thinking our satellite is merely for gravity/
When actually the moon is a deathstar activated when mc's battle me/
Keep comments to yourself cause I heard enough chatter/
hang you by ya throat wit a rope soaked in venom of a Puff Adder/
my state of mind comes with the weight of time/
ill show the lows and highs with the flame rise/
dont close ya eyes cuz you wont sleep tonight/
cause I aim my 16 lines at your spine/
make one wrong move and ill paralyze/
this is my first post it'll have to suffice

feedback please

Posted: **Wed Aug 17, 2011 7:28 pm**

my fault dude that was the first post i still gotta figure out the forum rules and all that shit

Posted: **Fri Aug 19, 2011 4:42 am**

Baptized in blood of gods dead son/
Red rum injecting the venom of scorpions/
Well, i was thrown off by the dead son part, other than it completing rhymes i dont see it's purpose honestly.
Kervorkian is where i get my meds from/
We off the radar like government moles/
like a black hole absorbing massive souls/
I was the shadowy figure in the grassy knoll/
who is WE?
Call me your Majesty, You thinking our satellite is merely for gravity/
When actually the moon is a deathstar activated when mc's battle me/
not a bad concept, but im still lost by the satellite and gravity thought, i personally dont connect the sat to gravity.
Keep comments to yourself cause I heard enough chatter/
hang you by ya throat wit a rope soaked in venom of a Puff Adder/
my state of mind comes with the weight of time/
ill show the lows and highs with the flame rise/
dont close ya eyes cuz you wont sleep tonight/
cause I aim my 16 lines at your spine/
make one wrong move and ill paralyze/
this is my first post it'll have to suffice
Its ok, nothing too great but not bad, id work on connecting thoughts better. First it was I then we, then I, and someof the concepts were odd. Keep it up man

Posted: **Fri Aug 19, 2011 5:22 am**

dude work on ya rhymes and keep it complex
beside this shit is kinda short....
try making the lines more longer and make the bars length the same

i know you got potential
just keep @ it.

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Proverb's written scripture

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