Hip Hop Forum

Does he know better
Knows enough, yet wont make himself better
Knowingly inflicting pain beneath his sweater
Beneath the epidermis
Lies hurt and eyes open wide
Look inside, cant find cause the hurt disguised
Death flirts, wise words
Spoken to him
A stubborn mind that wont listn to em
Little devil in his ear tell him scew em
When you gonna stand up and just do you man
Repeating phrases, from torn notebook pages
Pasin through days in dazes
Nobody can tell that its you under there
Pops dead and yo mommas scared
Yet he continues to go the store
Walk in a mess, walk out a mess with some liquor
In a brown paper bag,
His only friend in the world that he has
If no one listened to you,
You would prolly talk to yourself too
His self-rue, sleepless nights
Needs some light in his life
So he turns to church
Prays to god that hell take away the hurt
But it doesn’t work
Faith escapes and pain comes in burst
Is it too late,
While he wallows in self hate
Just wait, and he’ll escape
From this hell that is self made.

It started off pretty bad. You repeated a few of the rhymes, which to me drops the flow in a really big way, and some of the wording was struggled. The middle picked up a little, but not a huge improvment. Near the end is where you really picked up. You increased the amount of times the rhyme appeared within the bar, which boosted the flow. There was no repitition and the topic and emotion was really heightened too. Try and focus on some of the aesthetics of the drop.

Actually I think it was more Poetic than a Lyrical Verse..

Its more Spoken Word at that...If that's where you were going?..Then this is pretty good..
If this is a song then it's realllly Choppy...Gotta re-write it maybe and not repeat most of your lines..if its a a verse to a song...

Aight...

I agree with mOsArt ... this seems more like a poetic drop ... but yeah , this whole drop ended better than how it started ... keep dropping

[ Post made via Android ]

yeah this was meant as more of a poetic verse. youll see alot of my stuff is written in this sort of way. I dont really follow to many rhyme schemes and patterns. I just let an instrumental speak, and interpret what i hear. Thanks for the feedback though. Much appreciated

-- Thu Aug 18, 2011 12:56 am --

and if i do rap this i usually spit it pretty fast.