Hip Hop Forum

Community Service:
http://www.illestlyrics.com/board/hipho ... 23021.html
http://www.illestlyrics.com/board/adam- ... ml#p175976

Hmm well I was misled by the title I just canoe this was gonna involve the rare panda labor and birth but as I read I was pleasantly surprised I am mobile now but I will break it down in depth when I get on a computer

[ Post made via Android ]

K cool, you had that off the wal flow goin, but I know the shit flows like a river. Some sick ines in this one, but intro bars took it for me.

I was snatched and kenneled, a bat bashed my mental, rendering me almost lifeless
Striking everything with my tight fists, throwing swift kicks till the light hits

Shit was dope, Pan. Keep droppin that fire bruh.

2nd to the last bar with that flipper jaws line, i hated that bar... lol the rest was good, multis as u requested i help, they were definitely there, a few misses though, the consistency was a little on and off, you obviously know how to write a multi, you just need to be more consistent with it without it sounding forced or retarded

but overall this was a good read, i liked the imagery you brought out in this piece

Leeroi wrote:the rare panda labor and birth

LMFAO man, that woulda been some shit lol.

menu wrote:you had that off the wal flow goin, but I know the shit flows like a river

I'm trying to be better structured and what not, but it flows well for me. Thanks for the feedback.

Evo wrote:2nd to the last bar with that flipper jaws line, i hated that bar

I panicked lol. Nah, I'm trying man, shits harder than you make it seem.


Thank you guys for the feedback, honestly.

Really diggin this piece. the wordplay was dope. Imagery is so vivid.

These lines stood out to me the most:

The smell is irritant, sounds of eeriness in increments, I'm alone, completely lost
The feeling of death is imminent, keeping me vigilant, an immigrant but at what cost?

NICE!!

Grew bigger, he came back like Jaws vs. Flipper, swinging and roaring, landing one on the liver
I executed a scissor, a stripper meets zipper, squished his mister, till all I heard was quivers

this made me chuckle a bit..nice tho!

thanks for droppin PANDA!!

Your pretty good at this type of shit, I would love to read more battle rhymes from you. Mad dope.

i was feeling most of this... lol i didn't mind the flipper line as much as evo... flow was great as and most of the multis connected... defiantly kept me interested throughout and u had good imagery

K Panda wrote:Community Service:
http://www.illestlyrics.com/board/hipho ... 23021.html
http://www.illestlyrics.com/board/adam- ... ml#p175976

This is I think my second drop in this section. So here it is, a battle verse that went NO WHERE lol:

_The Birth of K Panda_
...chapter one: the kidnapping...



I was snatched and kenneled, a bat bashed my mental, rendering me almost lifeless
Striking everything with my tight fists, throwing swift kicks till the light hits

The wood boards split with the right hit, chunks burst into this newly lit place
An unusually bitter taste hits my face like listening to Joe Saints mix tapes

^another joe saint reference, haha. Good shit.

The smell is irritant, sounds of eeriness in increments, I'm alone, completely lost
The feeling of death is imminent, keeping me vigilant, an immigrant but at what cost?

^good rhyme scheme, and vocabulary.

Tree branches crack, with each step that I track, echoes of each leaf that I smash
Three steps & I'm back, or it seems in this crap, to where I deemed as my crash

I ventured about, taking notes of all the stressors in route, centered in doubt
I reach for food but my sensors wig out, followed by a tempered blow to the snout

^hmmm

I regain my composure, ignore the pain and lean towards, the beast that struck first
I cock back the paw, land on his jaw, open mouthed and all, but in awe, his blood thirst

^ohhh, sick dude, morbid and nice imagery.

Grew bigger, he came back like Jaws vs. Flipper, swinging and roaring, landing one on the liver
I executed a scissor, a stripper meets zipper, squished his mister, till all I heard was quivers

^good

But then the bushes caught my attention, with goliath in suppression, I reached for a weapon
"I'll strike without question!" my heart pounding in connections, in this Jungle dimension-

^cool

... To Be Continued

Not the most unique rhymes in the history of the scriptures. Still, I thought you stepped up your game metaphorically, if there was just a bit more of literalness, I would have been really impressed, instead I'm just pretty impressed.

The smell is irritant, sounds of eeriness in increments, I'm alone, completely lost
The feeling of death is imminent, keeping me vigilant, an immigrant but at what cost?

i think the assonance in this bar was too strong, the rhyming of slightly forced words made it drag along as most of these word are quite big ones, dont get me wrong internals are good, but in this case it became quite boring to read, just waiting for the nts nt nts and the end off the words. no hate just my opinion dude.

other than that this was a good drop, a nice use of vocab, some decent internals, multis. not too long a read but yes a good drop.

peace

new here. dopest ryhmes I've read so far.

sick with the multies man.

[ Post made via Windows Smartphone ]

I read this when u posted it for a topical against ol' saint, really dope piece of work, nice flow, multies, vivid imagery that is capturing and keeps the reader interested

[ Post made via Mobile Device ]

hmmm, well' hmmmm
damn!! i give you 5starz on that.