Help Me Out...Chess

Two words... rap school. Learn the craft, ask questions, be interactive. Find out what makes the technical MC's so efficient at writing, and which areas you need to improve on.

Moderator: Loon E Lou

Post Reply
User avatar
-ChessBoard-
Lyrically Inclined
Offline
Posts: 112
Joined: Thu Nov 18, 2010 12:14 am
Wins: 4
Losses: 7
Location: Nexta Yo Girla.

Help Me Out...Chess

Post by -ChessBoard- »

Ohk...I don't really know what's my problem,but I know my structure sucks aswell as my delivary...my multies are often good but sometimes forced!some say I'm not always consistent and that most my bars have a lot of filler!I keep trying my best to change my mistakes but I end up doing the same thing...here's a battle verse I dropped against SplashKing -
So he Figured His Buff,n when the Nigger Gets Tough?-Ash'll Be World Renowned- only from CIGARETTE BUTTS!//The Triggers Get Touched,M Beatin Him Up,n this Bitch Pumping His Order!snatch his crown,while he Screamin his lungs,Twits Running In Corners!cause the onlytime -Splash Was Heard- was with KIDS JUMPING IN WATER!//we don't give a shit bout the Dumb Bro's Mic!neither about the Bumbo's Life!!infact you stand a better chance surviving a stab from Rambo's Knife!!//Im suprised you Pitched Up N Yo...you Shit Phucked N So you couldn't -raise the bar- if you PICKED UP SOME SOAP!//Man his Spit Is So Lame,It Smells!Shiftin Propain In Shells!plus you couldn't drop a Hot Line SNIFFIN COCAIN IN HELL!....-Chess'11...you can judge from that...

[ Post made via BlackBerry ] Image
User avatar
Alvin
Sudonim Free
Offline
Posts: 1958
Joined: Wed Nov 24, 2010 6:09 am
Wins: 8
Losses: 3
No Shows: 1
Location: CA

Re: Help Me Out...Chess

Post by Alvin »

First of all, welcome to the elevation section, I'm glad to see you're interested in elevating.

Structure: From what I've gathered structure is appearance... for lack of a dumber word. It's having your lines organized one under the other, ending closely around the same place. It's a good idea to place two lines, (one under the other), to complete a bar, then pressing enter/return, to leave a space between your bars. Like this:

This is my first line/
this is my second line//

this is my third line/
this forth makes 2 bars//

^With the above structure, it's a good idea to place your primary rhymes at the end of each line to catch the flow. The thing people wig out about when it comes to judging or reading, you type in a paragraph format, and some people don’t think flow is possible that way. For example:

I was snatched and kenneled, a bat bashed my mental, rendering me almost lifeless-Striking everything with my tight fists, throwing swift kicks till the light hits-The wood boards split with the right hit, chunks burst into this newly lit place-An unusually bitter taste hits my face like listening to Joe Saints mix tapes

^ Although shorter than what you write, people may look at that and say I didn’t flow or work on my structure. That’s simply retarded. Truth is they need to see the lines end closer together, which relies on the syllables. If one line has 5 syllables, but the second line which completes the bar has 13, the flow will be off. So try and aim for similar syllable counts to make the crowd here happy. Those two methods combined leads to this example:

I was snatched and kenneled, a bat bashed my mental, rendering me almost LIFELESS/
Striking everything with my tight fists, throwing swift kicks till the LIGHT HITS//

The wood boards split with the right hit, chunks burst into this newly LIT PLACE/
An unusually bitter taste hits my face like listening to Joe Saints MIX TAPES//

^I did not change any words around, or delete. I simply pressed enter after my PRIMARY RHYME, added one of these symbols /, and repeated the steps for the others. Now someone might say I flowed well or had good structure. Silly, I know. This is a dumbed down version of it, it goes into more depth, but this should be your primary focus on structure. Presentation is key.

As for the rest, to judge your verse is wrong of me considering this verse is involved in an open battle. I’ll wait till it closes to dig into it.

User avatar
-ChessBoard-
Lyrically Inclined
Offline
Posts: 112
Joined: Thu Nov 18, 2010 12:14 am
Wins: 4
Losses: 7
Location: Nexta Yo Girla.

Re: Help Me Out...Chess

Post by -ChessBoard- »

Ok!Thanx man...ill keep that in mind and apply it to my ish..n guess we'll wait for that battle to get voted on.

[ Post made via BlackBerry ] Image
User avatar
Alvin
Sudonim Free
Offline
Posts: 1958
Joined: Wed Nov 24, 2010 6:09 am
Wins: 8
Losses: 3
No Shows: 1
Location: CA

Re: Help Me Out...Chess

Post by Alvin »

Ok, so like I previously stated, I'll attempt to tear into this sample verse. Remember I am not a text battler, nor the best at judging. The following is just my opinion.

First thing i did is attempted to fix the structure.


So he Figured His Buff,n when the Nigger Gets Tough?-
Ash'll Be World Renowned- only from CIGARETTE BUTTS!//
First and foremost, spell correctly, and spell what you intend to say. "he figured (or figures) his (or he's) buff". Reading errors like that really take my attention away from what you're trying to say. The most vital thing about this bar IMO is that it's your opening bar. This is where you catch my attention with the fire you're bringing, and come out of the door swinging. BUT, what are you truly saying in this bar? Read this as a stranger would, well you said when he thinks he's buff, and when this black guy thinks he's tuff, then ashes will fall from cigs. Hmm... not really saying much after all. Kind of off topic, not insulting much either.
The Triggers Get Touched,M Beatin Him Up,n this Bitch Pumping His Order!
snatch his crown,while he Screamin his lungs,Twits Running In Corners!
cause the onlytime -Splash Was Heard- was with KIDS JUMPING IN WATER!//
this bar was rather long. I was able to cut three lines out of it which means you over wrote. At this point, i don’t really understand anything on line one. Line two has the king/crown play, but how does one scream their lungs? Lungs out maybe? twits? Water and corner doesn’t really rhyme in my book to be honest. unless i say warter. Then maybe, with a thick Rhode island accent. I like the punch to a degree, but I was too heavily distracted by all of your previous shortcoming to give it any appreciation.
we don't give a shit bout the Dumb Bro's Mic!neither about the Bumbo's Life!!
infact you stand a better chance surviving a stab from Rambo's Knife!!//
Ok, who is his dumb bro mic? and who’s is bumbo? the 2nd line is a nice one, but again, I'll ask, he stands a better chance at surviving a stabbing from Rambo that what... What are you saying. I’m going to demolish these characters that i prolly made up for rhymes sake, and you don’t have a better chance at surviving a stabbing? Find a way to connect them man. The Rambo stabbing line was a cool concept, but that’s all it was, it left too many questions in my head. Something simple could have been, you cant escape me.. then the stabbing line. So your set up could have been the alternative. and using the Rambo line as you have better chances at beating up king kong than (previously stating - >), beating me.
Im suprised you Pitched Up N Yo...you Shit Phucked N So
you couldn't -raise the bar- if you PICKED UP SOME SOAP!//
Feels like you're giving up a whole lot of substance for rhyme completion, and the rhymes arent all that impressive. What the hell are you saying in the first line? Second line, nice bar drop, but maybe you should find a way to tie him into your diss, make it more personal rather than so universal. Universal meaning you can say it to anyone and it would still apply.
Man his Spit Is So Lame,It Smells!Shiftin Propain In Shells!
plus you couldn't drop a Hot Line SNIFFIN COCAIN IN HELL
lol, the last line is cool man, but as a bar, again, your first line is dumb. Rhyming focus again, but you're shooting blanks. Aim at your opponent. Why do lame things smell? It feels too forced man, you’re not making enough sense to give you credit on rhyme schemes, and your punches are to universal to give you credit for anything else. Your flow is off, as well as your ability to write the required 5 bars IMO. It’s not horrible, you actually show a lot of potential, but focus more on connecting within your concepts and less on multies. When you write a bar, read it as a strange would and ask yourself, does it make sense? Am i rambling? Will this leave any questions in my head that may need further explaining. All this takes time man, but this is a good place to improve. You have the basic concept of multies, you just seem to have a skill at not making sense when using them. So i'd say use them less until you perfect the art of making sense, then ease them back in. Good luck man.
User avatar
-ChessBoard-
Lyrically Inclined
Offline
Posts: 112
Joined: Thu Nov 18, 2010 12:14 am
Wins: 4
Losses: 7
Location: Nexta Yo Girla.

Re: Help Me Out...Chess

Post by -ChessBoard- »

Oh...uhm,ok thanx

[ Post made via BlackBerry ] Image
Post Reply

Return to “Center Of Elevation”

Who is online

Users browsing this forum: No registered users and 4 guests